Globe Syndicate
for release Friday July 11, 2003
Another Way
by Melodie Davis
Joy and Sorrow
When Funny Cide lost the Belmont Stakes race in early June in his attempt to be
the first horse to win the triple-crown in 25 years, the jockey's small son was
shown bursting into prompt and understandable tears. Even though I was also
secretly hoping for this darkhorse to be the winner, I was not at all inclined
to cry over the loss. And I thought about the fact that if Funny Cide had won, I
might have cried. (Now if I had been an owner, I might have cried at the loss.
If I had bet a $1,000 on the race, I might have cried.)
What makes us cry when we are happy? One of the unexpected learning’s for me in
being a parent has been discovering how we develop the ability or tendency to
cry out of happiness. I would never have thought about this if I hadn't observed
it in my children. My kids could never figure me out: I remember them staring at
me if I got weepy in church at a joyful song or at a happy ending in a movie:
"Mom, you're crying!" one was sure to exclaim and I would quickly try to shush
them. You are embarrassed enough to be crying when no one else is, let alone
having attention drawn to it.
I would tell them I was crying because I was happy, which confused them even
more: as a child, you cry if you are sad, hurt, lonely or upset, but when you
are happy? Not likely. Somewhere during the late teenage years (but later than I
would have expected) children seem to finally develop this ability or
inclination to cry when they are happy.
At the memorial service for an 83-year-old man at our church my thoughts on what
makes people cry when sad or happy suddenly clicked. One of the man's
grandchildren read from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran, about the nature of joy
and sorrow. I've heard or read this many times before, but sometimes things
click in a new way: "Your joy is your sorry unmasked. And the selfsame well from
which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. ... The deeper
that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. ...When you
are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which
has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again
in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which
has been your delight." The prophet concludes by saying joy and sorrow are
inseparable.
If that is true, I guess children not being able to cry happy tears is a good
thing-because it shows they have been protected enough or lucky enough to be
spared deep and great sadness in their youth. It is only as we have experienced
pain, grief and setback that we then better know the blessing of health and
wellness, healing, and overcoming problems.
Part of maturation involves experiencing enough of life that we have gone
through tough times, death of a loved one, illness, injury, hospitalizations. We
have either personally or vicariously suffered through dreadful events: murder,
kidnapping, and so can feel joy and tears of empathy when there are happy
endings to terrible stories. Julia is a writer at a Malaysian website who wrote
recently about why people cry at weddings: this seems to be the domain of women,
but not totally. Some of the most moving weddings I've been at have been when
the groom unexpectedly got choked up. Julia writes: "There's something at
weddings that makes me cry. I'm not sure what and I am not sure why. There's
something about two people finding each other in the billions of people that
exist in this world. There's something about two people going through thick and
thin and saying 'yes' I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And there's
something to being invited to witness this occasion." Thus deep happiness
creates the joy that then prompts tears of sorrow if and when the happiness is
taken away.
That is what Gibran is writing about in more eloquent words. So even if we must
shed tears in mourning and grief, deep down we can know that we feel grieved
because we have also experienced the kind of love and relationship that gave us
joy. Joy and sorrow: opposite sides of the same coin. Knowing that we can't have
one without the other helps to heal the grief and sorrow.
For a free booklet, Journey Through Loneliness, write to: Melodie Davis, Another
Way c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper; or e-mail: Melodie@mennomedia.org.
You can also visit Another Way on the Web at www.thirdway.com.
Melodie Davis is the author of seven books and has written her column since
1987. She taught feature writing and has won awards from the National Federation
of Press Women, Virginia Press Women and the American Advertising Association.
She and her husband have three daughters.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 780 words; end material = 105 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.