Globe Syndicate
for release Friday October 17, 2003
Another Way
by Melodie Davis
Loving Legacy: Draft 2
In August I introduced a concept here I called "A Loving Legacy"-a paper
addressing issues and questions that frequently arise between adult children and
their parents regarding how to handle the volatile issues of aging, such as
giving up a driver's license. It is an instrument or tool that parents might
fill out when they are still of able body and mind, about their wishes for the
future: a sort of "loving will" if you please. I invited reader reaction and
ideas, and promised to issue a second draft.
Reader response has been fascinating, with mostly overwhelmingly positive
reaction to the whole idea. One woman, however, wrote: "If you have good,
loving, healthy communication with your children, I don't think [such a tool] is
necessary." She is right about that. If you can naturally talk about issues-such
as if they really need to use a hearing aid-then there is no need for a tool
like this to help you think through and spell out the responses.
However, I know by the number of people responding "This is a great idea" that
too many of us don't have the kind of open communication we'd like, or we have a
tendency to get more stubborn or be in denial when it comes to dealing with
difficult, sensitive issues like "Does my dad have Alzheimer's?" In any case,
the "Loving Legacy” is more of a communication tool or aide than something to
slavishly fill out.
One reader describes the ideal setting for such discussions: both sides give
their pros and cons in a peaceful, non-judgmental way, putting issues on the
table; all parties should be well rested, unhurried, no preset minds or
attitudes, just a loving, caring conversation. And remember, this "legacy" is
not designed to discuss other needed documents during the aging years such as a
real will, executor, a living will, medical power of attorney (MPOA) and general
durable power of attorney (GPOA).
Here are some of the additional reader-suggested ideas of things to decide ahead
of time and discuss with your kids: (see end of article about how to get the
complete list).
___ If I became hopeless or depressed, ask my doctor to refer me to a
psychiatrist.
___ Ask me if I have enough money to keep up my life insurance (or burial
policy).
___ Tell me if I need a haircut and then perhaps you could take me to a
hairdresser or maybe even do my nails.
___ Tell me, delicately of course, if I talk too much, or perhaps I don't
communicate enough.
___ Tell me if I need to focus on the needs and hurts of others instead of my
own everyday aches and pains.
___ Tell me, gently, if I have said or done anything that has hurt or may hurt a
grandchild or one of the children.
___ Encourage me to make funeral plans ahead of time and my desires regarding
cremation, memorial, graveside or church funeral.
___ Encourage me to indicate on paper what personal items go to what family
members, and to write down the stories about the item.
___ Tell me when I can't do chores anymore like mowing the lawn, cleaning the
house and general maintenance and that it is okay to except help from others.
___ Tell me when it is time to sort and toss some of my junk.
___ Tell me if you'd like to talk about your feelings for me, or my feelings for
you.
___ Tell me if you want to talk about our family, or our history, the successes
and the failures, and God's faithfulness to our family through the years.
One reader wanted to add more pledges for the children, such as promising to
visit more often when parents can no longer drive, taking Mom or Dad to church,
discussing decisions to be made rather than making decisions for parents, and
not keeping one's grandchildren away because Grandma or Grandpa "can be
irritable." Another added, "Tell me what precious memories you have in regard to
our special relationship" and "Remember me with little notes of kind thoughts or
little gifts that I can share with my friends, such as cupcakes or some other
specialty of yours."
Finally, this window into "aging" from another part of the world: a reader from
Zambia who read the article via e-mail wrote: "Here in Zambia we don't have
living wills. The last four days of my mom's life, I bathed her and spent the
last two nights by her bedside. I was there when she died in the wee hours of
the morning of August 7. I just feel blessed that I was there and did what I am
sure she would have wanted me to do even if she could not verbalize the
requests."
What better loving legacy could anyone ask for?
If you would like a complete Draft 2, write or e-mail me and I can send it by
the method you prefer. Send your name and mailing address or e-mail address to:
Melodie Davis, Another Way c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper; or e-mail:
Melodie@mennomedia.org.
You can also visit Another Way on the Web at www.thirdway.com.
Melodie Davis is the author of seven books and has written her column since
1987. She taught feature writing and has won awards from the National Federation
of Press Women, Virginia Press Women and the American Advertising Association.
She and her husband have three daughters.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text =843 words; end material = 105 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
of the column
©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.