Globe Syndicate
for release Friday November 14, 2003
Another Way
by Melodie Davis
Blaming Others
Blaming others is a national pastime. The talk show pundits do it. The
candidates do it. Children do it. And guess what, it is infectious and they may
be learning it at home from parents who do it, too. And yes, columnists
sometimes make money blaming others.
John Miller, a graduate of Cornell University lives in Denver, Colo. with his
wife Karen and seven children, including three adopted siblings. If seven
children are enough to give you pause, you can bet he has some down-to-earth
thinking on parenting, including the idea that parenting is really all about
teaching children personal accountability. Can we really raise children to avoid
the blame game that ensnares so many of us?
To test Mr. Miller’s premise that the secret to good parenting is teaching your
kids personal accountability, answer honestly: When something doesn’t go right,
what do your children hear you say? Do you blame your boss? A guidance counselor
in high school who put you on the college track when you would have benefited
greatly from technical school? Do you blame the pastor when things don’t go your
way at church?
If our children hear us excessively blaming others, (we wouldn’t be human if we
didn’t complain and blame sometimes), they will grow up to be blamers and
victims, Miller points out.
Miller spells out a fairly easy way to get away from blaming others. The
“Question Behind the Question” is a method of taking a bad question and changing
it into one that helps people claim their personal responsibility, take action,
and fix a problem.
“Personal accountability is not about changing others or controlling what you
cannot. It’s about making a difference by changing yourself,” says Miller. Begin
your questions with “What” or “How:” “What can I do to make a difference in my
child’s education?” or “How can I get to know my teen better?”
In his book, QBQ: The Question Behind the Question (Denver Press, 2001), Miller
shares two stories of personal responsibility that impressed him, one negatively
and one positively. He went into a convenience store/gas station and wanted
coffee, but the carafe was empty. He said politely to the person behind the
counter, “Pardon me, but there’s no coffee in the pot.” The clerk pointed to
someone else and said, “Coffee is her department.”
Then, he told then how he went into a jammed restaurant in downtown Minneapolis.
He squeezed onto a seat at the crowded counter and in a few minutes, a young man
carrying a tray full of dirty dishes hurried past on his way to the kitchen. But
he caught Miller’s eye and asked, “Have you been helped?”
Miller said no, but that all he wanted was a salad and a couple of rolls. The
waiter said he’d bring it and asked Miller what he wanted to drink. Miller
prefers Diet Coke, but the waiter responded, oh, we only sell Pepsi. Would that
be okay? Miller said in that case he’d just take water and the waiter promised
to be right back.
Indeed he was back in a minute with the salad, rolls and water. Miller began to
eat but then again a few minutes later, the waiter reappeared bearing a 20-ounce
bottle of cold Diet Coke.
“Wow!” said Miller, thanking him and then asked, “I thought you didn’t sell
Coke?”
“We don’t. It came from the grocery store around the corner.” Miller was really
impressed but the waiter wouldn’t even let him reimburse the dollar the Coke
cost. As the waiter continued to scurry about and Miller was sitting there
almost in shock, he finally said, “But you’ve been awfully busy. How did you
have time to go get it?”
“I didn’t, sir. I sent my manager!” To Miller, that was an excellent example of
management who had empowered the workers to serve the customer at all costs, and
to take personal responsibility that people were treated right.
Then Miller points out that the waiter could have blamed any number of others
for the situation, such as who was supposed to cover the counter area, why could
they only serve one cola, why are we always so short staffed, and when are
customers going to learn to read what drinks are on the menu? Instead, he simply
took the attitude of “What can I do to make a difference here?”
Wouldn’t we all like to be surrounded by such people in our workplace, at home
or at school? The answer, of course, comes right back at us: “O.K., what can I
do to make a difference here?”
Do you have a heartwarming story of someone who made a difference? Send to:
Melodie Davis, Another Way c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper; or e-mail:
Melodie@mennomedia.org.
You can also visit Another Way on the Web at www.thirdway.com.
Melodie Davis is the author of seven books and has written her column since
1987. She taught feature writing and has won awards from the National Federation
of Press Women, Virginia Press Women and the American Advertising Association.
She and her husband have three daughters.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 765 words; end material = 105 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.