The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
April 30, 1999
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Question: My father has had a big fight with my brother and myself and now says he's going to give away all his money to charities - before he dies. He's talking about giving assets to his university with some sort of arrangement that they will give him money each month to live on. We don't care about the money, but we are concerned he won't have enough for his care, especially if he becomes ill and can't take care of himself. Can we do anything?
Answer: As you know, your father can do what he wants with his money, unless he is mentally incompetent - and you seek guardianship from the courts.
However, it is foolish for anyone to give away money before one dies unless many millions of dollars are involved. Even if a charity promises to give money back for living, the administration can change and the institution might try to renege on the agreement. Then your father will have to spend thousands of dollars on lawyers. And if the amount to be received is a set amount - as opposed to being tied in with care needs - this could present problems for your father. No one really ever knows what will happen in the future and what care expenses will be.
It is better for your father to set up a trust for the university ahead of time, but have it funded only after his death. This way he maintains control of his finances.
Your father, in trying to hurt you, may only hurt himself in the end.
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Question: My mother, 73, just came to live with us (myself, husband, and 2 teenagers). We're all having trouble adjusting, even though the relationship up to now has always been good. How can we maintain a good relationship?
Answer: It's difficult adjusting to having someone else move in. The following are TIPS from one of my readers.
* set behavior parameters and expectations for everyone
* keep communications open
* encourage everyone to verbally express their feelings
* share chores; everyone has responsibilities
* make everyone feel part of "the family"
* give lots of love; even if it has to be "tough love"
Further Advice:
* laugh often; joke about yourself
* cry well
* give yourself permission to be angry
* take time for yourself every day
* believe in a higher being who gives us an inner strength
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Question: My father has more money than he'll need and wants to give us a large amount now. Will we have to pay taxes on it?
Answer: Your father can give you and anyone else (even if not a relative) $10,000 a year tax-free, for both himself and the recipient. If you have, e.g., three brothers and sisters, and there are eight grandchildren, your father can "gift" $120,000 a year.
If a person gives someone else more than $10,000 a year then (1) a gift tax form must be filed with IRS, and (2) the amount over $10,000 will be deducted from the current tax-free transfer of $650,000.
However, your father can pay for the college education of his grandchildren, and there are no tax implications if he makes the checks directly to the institution.
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 550 words; end material = 160 words
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©1999 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.