The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release September 17, 1999
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children,
yourself and working at the
same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant
parent is now frail and
needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation
is dedicated to the
50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or
responsibilities.
Learn to Say "NO" -- Set Parameters
Question: My father recently passed away and my mother, 68, has latched
on to me for
everything. In between getting my three children to school and my part-time
work, I run errands
for her, handle her finances and doctors trips and now have no time
for myself. I'm stressed and
snappy, and my husband is complaining that he feels neglected. I can't
seem to find a balance.
Answer: Your mother is very young, so unless she has physical or health
handicaps she should be
taking care of herself. My philosophy has always been "The less one
does for a parent, given true
capabilities and help needs, the better it is for everyone."
Rather than do everything for your mother, encourage her to do for herself.
Teach her to do the
things she might not have done before - such as balancing the checkbook.
It's hard for a person to adjust after losing a spouse. But too often
adult children destroy their
own lives by trying to make a parent happy and by setting up unrealistic
"help" schedules. You
need to set para meters and limits as to what you'll do.
You need to differentiate between realistic and unrealistic demands.
An d certainly don't feel
guilty if you say "no."
Some more TIPS from other readers:
* Don't let a parent run your life.
* Don't be afraid of your parent. You are both adults.
* Try to understand what it means to lose a loved one.
* Help your parent appreciate what she can do for herself.
* Don't feel guilty about not doing everything.
* Give love freely.
* Be good to yourself. Don't let yourself become burned out.
For more insights into helping a surviving parent cope with loss, send
a letter and self-addressed
envelope to this column.
* * *
Question: My mother, 76, moved in with us. She still drives and is making
new friends at the local
senior center. We're delighted about this. But she has a habit of quizzing
me as to what I'm going
to do all day . I resent her checking up on me all the time. Need advice.
Answer: Regardless of how old mother and child are there is always a
tendency to be a mother, to
be concerned about that child (even if the child is 50 years old).
Don't you keep track of where your children are and what they do? You
're interested in their
activities and concerned about their well-being.
Such exchanges can be described as loving -- as long as your mother
doesn't insist on going with
you all the time. They can be used to identify time in your busy schedules
so you both can enjoy a
lunch out together.
* * *
Question: My father, 83, suddenly developed scabby sores on his chest.
He's also unbalanced and
has difficulty getting up from a chair. The doctor doesn't seem to
know what is causing it. We're
very worried.
Answer: I'm not a doctor, but a dermatologist should be able to diagnosis
and treat your father.
He may have shingles, which is a virus and treatable. However, it may
leave nerve damage - the
unbalance problem. The virus comes originally from Chicken pox.
There is now a preventive vaccine being tested, and adults over 60 are
being sought to participate.
People interested in participating can call 1-877-841-6251
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate
letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters
may be edited. Send letters to
Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at
SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator
of the unique magazine The
Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 570 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©1999 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.