The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release October 22, 1999
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children,
yourself and working at the
same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant
parent is now frail and
needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation
is dedicated to the
50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or
responsibilities.
DON'T RUSH TO MAKE KEY DECISIONS
Question: My mother, 83, lives in a senior apartment and suddenly became
extremely confused.
She got onto the balcony at 3:00 A.M. and couldn't get back into the
apartment. She started
screaming and woke everyone up. She takes several medicines for high
blood pressure and
arthritis, but never had a problem before this. The apartment manager
says she has to move, and
we don't know what to do. Advice please.
Answer: Don't be in a hurry to move her out of the apartment. Her confusion
may be from the
interaction of the medicine, especially if she's taking steroids for
her arthritis. Or she may have had
a mini-stroke, and this combined with the medicine may cause the confusion.
She should have a complete geriatric evaluation, and her medication
might be changed. If she is
taking steroids, it may take a couple of months before her body is
cleared of the residue. In the
meantime, getting care help for her in her apartment will give you
time to evaluate the situation
and make a calmer decision.
* * *
Question: My father, 76, always had a very strong personality and always
gave everyone else
orders. Now he's very quiet and says little. My mother is very upset
as now she (and myself) have
to make all the decisions, including everyday ones. What's going on?
Answer: Without a medical evaluation, it's impossible to say. But those
with Alzheimer's often
exhibit a basic personality and behavior changes.
With vascular dementia (often caused by mini-strokes or medication),
a person's personality
remains basically the same, but may become exaggerated. Aggressive
people become more
aggressive; quiet people become quieter.
If it is Alzheimer's, great patience will be required from your mother
and yourself. Help your
mother make the important decisions, and make sure your mother, and
you as an alternate, has
Durable Power of Attorney for your father. Also, a Living Will is important.
* * *
Question: My parents, 83 and 80, suddenly have become very "old", frail
and their health is
deteriorating. I now have to do their grocery shopping, cleaning and
some cooking. Having to see
their decline almost every day is getting me down. I used to be a happy
person, but now.....Need
help.
Answer: While aging is part of life's cycle, many people have difficulty
emotionally in seeing a
loved one become frailer and needy.
The commonality of stages includes first perhaps denial, before acknowledging
the changes. Then
we go through the pain - of recognizing that our parent is no longer
the leader. Then we need to
adjust our mental thinking and move beyond.
How (or if) a person moves beyond depends on "resilience" - the ability
to recover from adverse
change.
How can a person be more resilient? It's not always easy. Some guidelines.
* Accept the changes in your parents' health and needs (emotional
as well as physical).
* Don't look at yourself as being a victim, given their increased
needs.
* Respond appropriately to your parents' needs.
* Accept and confront these new challenges.
* Be creative - and sensitive - in how you handle today's scenario.
* Have faith in yourself and your ability to juggle more chores.
* Get help! Don't do everything yourself.
* Maintain the conviction that life is worth living and bring
happy events into everyone's life.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate
letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters
may be edited. Send letters to
Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at
SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator
of the unique magazine The
Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 560 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©1999 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.