The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release November 5, 1999
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
$$'S NEED TO BE DISCUSSED AND PROTECTED
Question: My mother recently married a man with two children. I have one sister and one brother. They have made a joint will, which leaves my mother's assets to us only after her new husband dies. If my mother dies first, can he change his will and not leave us anything?
Answer: Yes. He might be able to change his Will and leave everything, including your mother's assets, to his children. You would get nothing.
A surviving spouse is not obligated to keep the joint Will made with a deceased spouse and may make a new Will, unless the joint Will specifically states the survivor cannot change it.
The best way to handle assets in second marriages, regardless of age, is to keep previously owned assets separate and leave them to children rather than the surviving spouse. A marital trust would provide income to the survivor during his/her lifetime.
Remember that assets held jointly automatically go to the survivor, regardless of what a Will states. Ownership supersedes a Will.
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Question: The father of a friend of ours had a massive stroke and has been in a semi-coma for more than a month. The wife has no idea of how to pay bills, or even what their income is. This has been a horrendous time for our friend. We don't want to be faced with this kind of situation, but don't know what to say to my parents. What should we do?
Answer: Talking about life and death issues, and finances, is difficult, regardless of age. But discussions need to be initiated.
Use your friend's situation to start a discussion - particularly if your parents know your friend. Relate the problems your friend is having, and clearly say you are concerned about them. And, that you would like to avoid having similar problems.
Discuss what they would want - or not want - in relation to medical treatment if they were in a similar physical condition. Talk about financial issues; the problems your friend's mother is having. Talk about Durable Power of Attorney and Living Wills.
I was faced with a similar situation when my mother suddenly became very ill. No one had a POA [power of attorney] for her, and because she was still working (at 85) no one else (including my father) knew what their income was. Yet special nursing costs were piling up at $1,500 a week. It was a tough time. Not only was I worried about my mother in the hospital and my father (90) at home, I had to take over running my mother's business.
On the other side of the coin, perhaps your parents do want to talk about these issues, but don't know how to start. One reader called me, and said he wanted to discuss things with his son, but didn't know how. He asked that I send his son the magazine and a note - which I did.
So, do take the bull by the horns and initiate dialogue. It may take several times to get them to open up, but it's important for everyone.
Everyone, regardless of age, should designate someone they trust as his/her financial and medical representative. If you don't choose who you want to handle your affairs, a court may appoint a complete stranger or someone you don't trust.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 525 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©1999 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.