The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release November 26, 1999
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Gift Choice Need Not Be Difficult
Question: Every time I give my mother, 81, a gift, she says in a very negative tone of voice, "Why'd you waste money on this?" I take time to select something and often spend a lot of money. I feel she is slapping me in the face with her rejection. The holidays are coming up, and I don't know what to do. Need suggestions.
Answer: A gift of time is often more appreciated by an elder than a gift. A special event, a show, dinner out, lunch and a movie, a day or weekend at a spa all provide sharing time opportunities.
My mother used to give away presents - except for flowers, which she loved. So when she came to visit, usually around her birthday and Christmas, I took her out to places she didn't go to at home. One of her favorites (even at 91) was the race track.
By sharing time, you share yourself in a way no gift can.
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Question: My mother, 80, lives alone, about 35 miles from us. She says she "has everything," "doesn't need anything," and so we never know what to get for Christmas. Suggestions appreciated.
Answer: It is hard to find something for a person who has everything.
Try to identify the areas in which your mother's capabilities have declined - her vision, hearing, being able to cook, sew, garden..
Cordless phones with large lighted numbers and speed dials for often called people. A subscription to books with large print. A clock with large numbers and chimes that ring every hour. Earphones to hear the TV, radio or music better. Clothes with velcro instead of buttons or zippers. Nicely framed family pictures - either latest or old with sentimental value. A gift certificate to her favorite restaurant, so she can treat herself and a friend, or to a department store.
And some fun items. A coffee mug or glass with a funny saying; a sweatshirt with her name and a pretty or funny picture; refrigerator magnets with appropriate words or representing something that is important to her!
You can even make Christmas last all year by having favorite foods delivered to the house on a regular basis. A fruit of the month or flower program are also suggestions I've gotten from seniors.
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Question: I oversee my grandmother's (95) care in a nursing home and visit at least twice a week.
It's my turn to make Christmas dinner (for 20 people). My mother (who rarely sees her own mother) wants my grandmother at my house for the dinner. She told me I'm selfish, when I said my grandmother will be more comfortable in the nursing home. Who is right?
Answer: You are! You do enough during the year! You deserve time to enjoy the holidays and recharge your own batteries.
Bringing a nursing home patient home during the holidays may even be more emotionally harmful to that elder. In this case, can the house (especially the bathroom) easily accommodate the wheelchair? If not, someone may have to carry her. Or help might not be fast enough, and she might have an accident. This can be embarrassing. And moving a confused/dementia person from a "known" environment to a strange one can increase stress and agitation.
Have family members spend time with her at the home. Don't let your mother put her own guilt about not visiting often onto your shoulders.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 540 words; other material = 160 words
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©1999 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.