The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release February 4, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT IS KEY TO LIFE ACCEPTANCE
Question: My father, 75, has colon cancer. He was operated on last year; but the cancer has since spread. The doctors want to operate again and use chemo or radiation afterwards. My father doesn't want another operation and says we should leave him alone. How can I let him die this way?
Answer First, if your father is mentally competent and understands he may die sooner - rather than later - this should be his decision.
I know this is hard for you to accept. But there is a time when palliative care (keeping a person physically comfortable and pain free) rather than curative treatment is appropriate.
If the chances of complete recovery are less than what is "acceptable" to your father, you should accept his decision. Make his last months as happy as possible, bringing in all family members to provide him the emotional support he now needs.
Too often, cancer treatments have repercussions that make patients sicker than the disease. Get in touch with a local hospice organization, as well as your minister or rabbi, talk with them and enlist their help. I think you will feel more at peace with the situation and your father's decision.
At the last stages, make sure your father knows you are comfortable with his decision. After all, he has accepted the course of nature, which includes death. You need to also accept this. Believe me when I say watching a loved one wither away for months on end is much harder than acknowledging he is in a better place.
* * *
Question: We can no longer take care of my mother, 85, at home. She will have to go into a nursing home. We hear so much about theft there. What should we do?
Answer: The transition from one's own home to a nursing home is very stressful. The only link to happier days may be a few cherished possessions - pictures, knickknacks, jewelry. They may only have sentimental value, but they are very important and give comfort to the elder.
Copies of original very old pictures can be made and put in nice, but inexpensive picture frames. Inexpensive jewelry should be purchased, with expensive items kept at home. On special occasions, bring out the good jewelry. Label all clothes and personal items. Take pictures of valuable items and keep an inventory, regularly updating it. Report any items that are missing and ask the administration to investigate.
Limit the amount of cash your mother has on hand to under $50. It's easier for her to keep track of this.
If the value of the lost item (like jewelry) is substantial, some states allow you to sue in small claims cost to recover the value.
Even if there is a waiver of liability in the nursing home contract, these clauses are not legally enforceable. Do exercise your rights.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 475 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©2000 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.