The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release March 3, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
MUSIC CAN EASE PAIN AND REDUCE HEALING TIME
Question: My wife, 71, has to have stomach surgery. She has a low tolerance for pain and is afraid. She doesn’t like drugs and refuses to take pain killers. She needs the operation, but is resisting having it. Need help!
Answer: Studies now show that listening to music (whatever your preference is) alone or coupled with simple relaxation exercises (e.g. biofeedback) helps reduce the feelings of pain. The theory is that music helps a person relax, and when muscles are more relaxed, there tends to be less pain. Less pain medication is then needed.
Biofeedback also helps relax muscles, thereby reducing pain. It is often true that mind over matter prevails. There are many books on biofeedback as well as information on the web.
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Question: My aunt, 71, has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer, and the doctors say chemo will not help. She has asked my mother to go with her to the funeral home to make arrangements. She’s not dead yet, so I think this is terrible. I said I would take care of everything when the time comes.
Answer: More and more people are making funeral arrangements ahead of time. This way they can get what they want, and also “shop” around. Too often, relatives spend thousands of dollars, because they think the deceased would want a lavish funeral. This means surviving relatives may spend their own money, which they may not be able to really afford. Also, survivors want others to think well of them.
Choosing your own casket and how the funeral will be conducted relieves this burden from your relatives. It’s not easy for relatives to make rational decisions at the time of the crisis, death.
Funerals today costs thousands of dollars. We spend more time shopping for a new refrigerator or washing machine than we do for burial. By planning ahead, your aunt can talk to several funeral directors and compare costs and attitude.
What are the basic costs? What are and how much are the extras? Do you really need or want the extras? The night before my father died, my mother and I went to the funeral parlor. I hadn’t wanted her to go because I felt it would be too emotional for her. But she insisted and she chose the casket. I asked her then if she wanted the same when her time came, and she said “yes.”
When my father finally went, all she did was make one call. And when she died, I only had to make one call and told the funeral director we wanted what my father had. And I’ve given my family instructions as to what I want.
Most state funeral home associations have helpful brochures to help you get true value for your money. They often contain TIPS on how to avoid “being taken.”
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = words; other material = 160 words
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©2000 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.