The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release March 24, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
EVERYONE NEEDS TO PROTECT ONESELF
Question My parents are in their early 70s, healthy, very active in their community and have a full social life. My son, who is in law school, says they should give me Power of Attorney and have Living and Testamentary Wills. My parents won’t listen to any of us. What should we do?
Answer Your son is 100% correct. And you and your husband should also have these documents. Your parents are foolish not to take steps to protect themselves. They have choices. They can select someone they trust to help them and make decisions. Or they can wait until a crisis occurs when a judge can appoint a complete stranger to control their money and make medical decisions for them.
I always tell the story of a couple who lived near me. They had a house in New Jersey and a condo in Florida. The husband, only 68, had a massive stroke and was in a coma. The wife wanted to sell the condo to pay for private duty nursing care. She couldn’t sell because she did not have power of attorney for her husband. The wife had to wait until he died four months later.
Every couple, regardless of age, should have Durable Power of Attorney for each other, with a child or other trusted person as an alternate. The same goes for Living Wills, which address medical decisions. And everyone, again regardless of age, should have a Testamentary Will, which deals with how assets are to be distributed. Also, wills are very critical if there are young children as a guardian should be appointed.
If a person doesn’t make these decisions, complete strangers will. It’s really called choices and self control. Discuss the options with your parents and clearly explain what will happen if they don’t make these choices and decisions while they are healthy. I’ve heard too many horror stories about people who refused to face reality and make their own decisions.
* * *
Question My mother, 87, lives alone in a 10 room house. She is frail and absentminded. She refuses to give me, her only child, Durable Power of Attorney as someone told her I’LL take her house and throw her out. She won’t believe the lawyer or articles on the subject. She is also being influenced by a younger woman, and I’M afraid she’ll cheat my mother out of money. Frustrated and need help.
Answer It is too bad that she’ll believe a stranger and not trust her own daughter. Perhaps a clergyman can intervene. Only your mother can protect herself. If she doesn’t, it’s her choice. But she must realize that a judge could appoint a complete stranger and force her to move if she becomes ill.
Remember that POA is only good while a person is alive. Once the person dies, the POA also ends.
Hopefully your mother as a Testamentary Will, with you as Executrix. If she doesn’t and refuses to have one, then make sure she understands that a judge, a complete stranger, will step in, and that her assets, including her house, will be divided according to your state’s inheritance formula.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 525 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©2000 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.