The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release April 14, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children,
yourself and working at the
same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once
vibrant parent is now frail and
needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich
Generation is dedicated to
the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or
responsibilities.
Exchange of Services Can Ease Having to Stop Driving
Question I just turned 80, and now my son is putting pressure on me
to stop driving. I have had
no accidents. How can I get him to leave me alone?
Answer My father drove until he was 88 and my mother until she was almost
92. So age alone
should not be a factor.
Evaluate your capabilities -- especially your vision -- day, night,
peripheral, depth perception as
well as your reaction time to other drivers. Do get a thorough eye
exam.
Take a look at where you drive. Just on local streets? Or do you drive
on major busy highways
and turnpikes? After my mother became ill at age 85, I discouraged
her from driving to my
house -- 55 miles on the New Jersey Turnpike. She told everyone, "I'd
go help Carol with the
magazine, but she won't let me drive there." But at that time her reaction
time was less then
optimal. Though she had no problem driving locally.
Do be honest with yourself. you might want to reduce you night driving
and stay away from
dangerous highways on your own now or sometime in the future. I know
driving represents
independence, but sometimes safety is more important. I'm not old,
but I don't drive at night
to new places anymore.
* * *
Question My father recently died, and my mother (70) never learned.
Now I have to drive her
everywhere, and she gets upset when I say I can't do it at the exact
time she wants. I'm feeling
so guilty.
Answer Never feel guilty about saying "no." You are right in not giving
in to her demands to
drive her when she wants -- as compared to when it is convenient for
both of you. Your mother --
even though it may be hard -- should adjust to the new situation. Undoubtedly
you have
multi-generation responsibilities and chores. Remember any relationship
involves more than one
person, and flexibility is a key word.
There are other alternatives, however. One suggested by readers involves
the exchanging of
services. A neighbor might drive your mother to the supermarket, church,
etc., and your mother
could babysit. This takes you off the hook, helps your mother as well
as the neighbor. The
younger mother can have some free hours for herself. And your mother
can make new friends as
well as feel needed -- now that she doesn't have to take care of your
father.
Other exchange stories a man who had been an accountant helps a single
mother balance her
checkbook and make financial decisions, and also tutors her son in
math in exchange for
chauffeuring services. A woman who loved to cook exchanged home cooked
meals for driving
services by a woman who worked long hours (and hated to cook.) And
still another woman
sewed curtains for a neighbor's kitchen and children's room in exchange
for being driven to
the supermarket and doctors'.
Creativity in looking for alternatives can help establish new friendships
as well as meet the older
person's needs.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually,
appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible.
Letters may be edited.
Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper
or e-mail her at
SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator
of the unique magazine
The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 515 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©2000 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.