The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release April 28, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Mother Locks Out Caregiver
Question: My mother, 76, lives alone, needs medicine on a regular basis, and no longer cooks for herself or cleans the house. She’s losing weight, and spends too much time sleeping. She needs help, but keeps locking out caregivers. I work and can’t be there every day.
Answer: This is a tough situation faced by thousands of sandwich generationers. Many elders don’t like to admit they need help and/or don’t want strangers to be in their home.
What you do depends, in large part, on your mother’s mental capabilities. Is she tied into “reality” or is she mentally confused, forgetful, etc.? Or is she clinically depressed?
As a starting point, you can give the caregiver a key to the house. Make sure the key will unlock all locks, especially dead bolt ones.
Then sit down and discuss the situation with your mother. You may have to make some hard decisions. You might tell her
-- you are concerned about her and her health
-- you love her and want her around for years to come
-- you, and not her, have hired the caregiver and she can’t fire her
-- there are laws against self-neglect and the state can take action
If she rejects all of the above and says she doesn’t care, she may be clinically depressed and need medication. A geriatric examination is warranted.
If she isn’t totally against the caregiver, make sure your mother is taken out of the house at least every other day. It is depressing to stay home all the time. A trip to the supermarket, the mall, out to lunch or dinner, a walk around the block or in a park. All of these activities can be spirit lifters. Often, it doesn’t help to have someone “there” if that person doesn’t bring some social stimulation to your mother’s life.
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Question: My mother has lived in the same apartment for 30 years and doesn’t want to move. All her friends have either moved or died. She refuses to come live with us. How can we convince her?
Answer: Moving in with children and grandchildren can be disastrous for everyone. Your home is not your mother’s, and your family has its own established pattern of living.
Today, there are many more options. Look into senior housing, or assisted living or CCRCs. After you’ve done the footwork, take her for a visit. Introduce her to some of the residents. Try to help her develop new friends and activities. Then she may decide on her own that she’d like to move.
Do remember that as long as your mother is mentally competent, any move decision needs to be made “with her” and not “for” her.
It is a tough balance.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 460 words; other material = 160 words
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©2000 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.