The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release May 21 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
STOP And Think About What You’re Doing
Question My mother, 83, has Alzheimer’s. We’ve placed her in a nursing home near us, but she is terribly aggressive and is creating problems. We’re afraid they’ll tell us to take her out. We can’t take care of her at home.
Answer Dementia, of any kind, is extremely difficult to deal with. The person may not be able to verbalize needs, wants, feelings. So “acting out” can become a problem.
If the nursing home has a special section for Alzheimer’s residents, they should be able to handle the situation. There are techniques that do work, whether the person is at home or in a facility.
There are two marvelous acronyms that can help caregivers defuse most
emotional situations and smooth out touchy relationships. They are STOP
and HELP. They enable you to step back and more objectively evaluate and
understand what is going on. This ability to step back is especially important
if the elder cannot verbalize.
Here’s how you can use the word STOP.
S = STOP. Stop doing whatever it is you are doing. It apparently isn’t working to achieve a positive end, so why continue down the same path?
T = THINK. Think about what you’re doing, why, and what is happening. A daily activity and action/reaction log helps identify key problems.
O = OPTIONS. What else can you do? Once you've identified what is upsetting the demented person, then you can change the way the situation is handled. Note I’ve said “you.” Dementia means a person is probably confused and may not be tied into reality. So that person cannot change.
P = PLAN. You’ve looked at the situation from a different perspective. Now you plan the changes.
A geriatric RN shared STOP with me, after telling me about one of their patients. The woman could no longer talk intelligibly and was a terror. She physically lashed out at the aides, and created problems in everything from dressing, to bathing and eating. But every once in a while she was calm. A daily log was kept of every activity - and reaction - as well as a description of the “environment.”
It was quickly discovered that the woman was calm and happy on the days she had on a red dress. It seems she always liked red and bright colors. But her daughter had bought her clothes in dark colors. The woman couldn't tell anyone how she felt, so she acted out. In spite of everything, the woman knew what she liked and made her happy.
Most dementia scenarios cannot be as easily defused. But using the STOP technique can help find a less emotional balance.
Next week, we’ll talk about the word HELP, and how it can be used to defuse situations.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 460rds; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©2000 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.