The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release July 14, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Different Generational Values = Tensions
Question My mother, 84, recently moved in with us. She has started to interfere in my daughter's, 17, life and constantly criticizes her behavior. My daughter is a good kid. How can I get my mother to leave her alone?
Answer Differences in values, such as between your mother and daughter, can lead to tension and stress. Understand that when your mother was growing up, the values were such that children should 'make do,' conform to and be obedient to what the parents wanted. You didn't rock the boat and you certainly didn't disagree with your parents.
So, she is coming from a different psychological vantage point. Try to get her to understand that today independence and autonomy are valued. Also that just because your daughter may not always agree with you or do exactly what you want her to do, doesn't mean that she's bad. Teens today, given the global complexities of our society, are struggling to develop themselves as individuals. So, they need emotional support.
As an aside, your mother, by moving in with you, has lost some control over her own life. So, she too is struggling to maintain her own 'self' and self-esteem.
Unfortunately you seem to have become a referee. Sit down with your daughter and mother individually and then as a family. Try to get them to better understand each other and the differences in upbringing. More importantly they need to accept and respect each other. Also, let both know they are loved for who they are.
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Question My mother, 78, has been diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's.
Her biggest problem is her confusion as to time and place. Otherwise she
is very healthy. We have been looking at some facilities. Seeing all of
the later stage patients upsets us - and my mother. Yet she can't live
alone, and I work full time. What should I do?
Answer Some Alzheimer's residences separate and house those with early stages from those with more severe problems. Look for a facility that does separate. It's hard emotionally for someone in the early stages to see very sick people every day. They're still alert enough to realize - and be unhappy about - the fact they will probably reach that stage.
In some states, there are licensed rooming homes that care for only a few people. A more family oriented environment could be appropriate at this time.
Several assisted living and nursing home chains are operating in bankruptcy. So you need to consider this and evaluate the cleanliness and maintenance situation, the kitchen and dining operations, and the staffing levels even more carefully than you might otherwise.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 445 words; other material = 160 words
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©2000 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.