The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release July 21, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Dealing With Loss Is Very Individual
Question My father, 76, is still grieving for my mother, who passed on eight months ago. They had been married 45 years. He says he wants to join her. We don't know what to do.
Answer Grief is a very personal emotion, and everyone handles it differently. Remember, your father spent most of his adult life with your mother.
So being sad isn't necessarily bad. And tears aren't bad. And, it's OK to be sad and shed tears. They help the healing process. It's better to outwardly show emotion then to keep it inside.
It's difficult for your father to accept that his wife is gone from this earth, and it may be years before he "sees" her again. His house probably feels strange without her. Something will happen, and he'll say to himself, "I must tell Martha....." only to remember that she's no longer here.
Encourage him to talk about his feelings - and you should talk about yours.
Remember the good times, what your mother meant to you and the rest of the family. Help keep her memory alive. Your father won't feel so alone.
Besides keeping up old family traditions, start new ones. Periodic trips to new restaurants - that may become favorite ones. Include your father in your children's activities, especially sports or music/dancing.
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Question My father died last year, yet my mother, 82, "talks" with him every day. I was shocked when we spent the holidays with her because she's still active and has many friends. Is this "talking" normal?
Answer Grief and how one handles it is so individual that I doubt anyone can say some particular element is normal or abnormal. Unless of course, the survivor becomes obsessive, very reclusive or clinically depressed.
Your mother doesn't seem to be exhibiting these negative traits as she's still active.
"Talking" with your father can help maintain a positive outlook on the here and now. Sharing is a strong self-esteem building block, and it helps your mother go on day by day.
Don't discourage her. And occasionally, say, "Tell Daddy .... next time you talk to him."
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Question My mother,74, had a stroke, which has left her unable to get around by herself. I help my father as much as I can, but he is getting worn out. We both need help.
Answer Identify help needs and get help from others. What can she really do herself? What can she do with some help? What can't she do? Can physical therapy help improve her limited capabilities?
Finding help and setting up a "help" network that really works takes time and usually a number of telephone calls. It's not going to happen overnight; and availability differs from town to town. Your father shouldn't have most of the care burden. The hospital discharge planner and local Office on Aging are good starting points for identifying community resources. Also, the local Stroke Association.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 485 words; other material = 160 words
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