The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release July 28, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Be Open To New Ideas And Change
Question I'm struggling, trying to make sure my parents (mid 80s) are well taken care of. They've gotten very frail in the past year. My sister (who lives 300 miles away, and rarely visits) keeps telling me what to do and how to do it - her way. I'm caught in the middle.
Answer You have a lot of company with your dilemma. It's called Monday morning quarterbacking - it's easy to tell someone else what to do and how it should be done.
While you shouldn't completely change how you do things, there are certain elements that can make your caregiving responsibilities a little less stressful and probably more effective.
> Be open to the needs, values, and desires of your parents. What do they - rather than you - want? Unless something negatively impacts their health or safety, flow with what they want.
> Be open to new ideas. There just might be one little piece of advice from your sister - or others - that can help the relationship and/or solve problems.
> Involve others. Don't do everything yourself. Ask for help from others - family, friends, community resources.
> Create a team spirit. We do this in the workplace, and it works. Use the same technique at home.
> Listen to others - especially your parents. There are generational differences in how people view the world.
> Be flexible. When one approach works, use it. But you may need to modify and refine it as your parents help needs increase. Or you may need to completely change what you're doing.
> Keep communications open. Tell your parents how you feel - you're concerned, love them and want to help them enjoy their last years. And listen to how they feel. You might be surprised.
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Question My father, 80, has become very confused from some very necessary medication, according to the doctor. As a result, he keeps bumping into furniture and has many bruises. The doctor is not very cooperative and says "he's old, what do you expect?" Help please.
Answer Yes, medications can make someone more confused and even cause imbalance problems. There are alternatives. If this doctor is not cooperative, change doctors. Maybe he really doesn't need all of the medicines. Geriatric certified physicians are much more sensitive to age.
Also simplify the movement pattern in your father's house. Move key furniture (like the bed) against the wall, thus leaving the center of the room open. Clear the path to the bathroom so he doesn't have to walk around furniture.
Take a close look at where furniture is in the kitchen and family/living room. Simplify the movement pattern.
This furniture moving advice is also good for those with physically debilitating illnesses such as Parkinson's.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 465 words; other material = 160 words
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