The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
for release October 20, 2000
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Egos Override Reason In Lavish Funerals
Question: My father-in-law (76) recently died. My wife insisted on a lavish funeral that ended up costing $18,000. My father-in-law did not have much to begin with. Our daughter will be going to college next year, and I think the money could have been better spent on her, the living. We're having a battle about this as my wife says we "owed" it to him to do the best.
Answer: Your wife subconsciously is "saying" she wants friends and other family members to think well of her. All too often more money is spent on funerals than families can comfortably afford.
I'm with you. I think $18,000 is an awful lot to spend on a funeral, especially of someone with modest assets. Very nice funerals can be done for a lot less.
For both my parents we had moderately priced caskets (my mother picked them out), a shortened viewing, two limos to take the immediate family from the house to the temple to the cemetery and back to the house, and a catered lunch afterwards for around $9,000. (The tombstone was another couple of thousand).
I recently read that outside of purchasing a house and car, funerals are the third most expensive purchase families make. So, you should shop around, and a lot of extras are not really necessary. And be sure to carefully review the bill before you pay. The funeral home we used double billed for the limo. Fortunately, I caught it. And don't pay ahead of time or on the day of the funeral when you're emotionally charged up.
An article in the March 2000 Modern Maturity Magazine provides some marvelous TIPS and information.
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Question: We're having a family battle over what goes on my mother's tombstone. Everyone but me wants the traditional scroll designs, which, to me, don't say anything about the person. My mother loved to knit, and I want to put knitting needles and yarn on the stone. Help!
Answer: What a marvelously creative idea!
I was faced with the same situation when my father died. My father was "famous" for his vegetable garden. So, the tombstone company designed vegetables and they are on his side of the stone. For my mother's side, I wanted houses, because she was in real estate for almost 70 years. The design wasn't good; so my mother decided on the flowers.
If a tombstone can tell others something about the person, it's a great legacy. Whenever I look at the vegetables, I remember his marvelously tasting tomatoes. It's a continued sharing of and remembering the good times.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 445 words; other material = 160 words
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