for release November 24, 2000
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Long Distance Care Management Is Doable
Question: We live in NYC, and my parents (mid 80s) are in California. They're getting frail and need help. They love where they live and don't want to leave the area. It's a long way in between; and we worry. They're too frail to make other arrangements themselves. Need help.
Answer: Long distance caregiving can be very stressful because of the "what if" factor. What if they fall? What if they don't eat or take their medicine properly? What if they shouldn't be driving? And thinking about "possibilities" from 3,000 miles away doesn't help.
TIPS include
·identifying areas in which they need help - and find people to do specific chores.
·safety proof their house.
·set up a neighbor "alert" system so a neighbor or friend will call you in cases of emergency. Mine worked very well. Every time the ambulance came to the house my parents' neighbor called me.
Local resources can be identified through their doctor and minister, the hospital discharge planner or social worker, the local yellow pages, the area office on aging. Of course, referrals from families of your parents' friends.
I've recently learned about a series of narrowly geographically focused booklets called "New Lifestyles." They have 45 directories which include information on various living options from apartments, CCRS, Alzheimer's facilities, home care and more. Booklets are available by calling 1-800-869-9549 or going into their website www.Newlifestyles.com.
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Question: My father, 78, is so demanding he's driving us all (three daughters) nuts. My mother (who passed away recently) catered to him, and now he's looking for us to replace her. He's perfectly healthy and capable of taking care of himself, but doesn't want to. He wants to live with myself, husband, and two teenagers.
Answer: The word "no" should "free" you. If he's capable of taking care of himself, encourage him to remain independent. Undoubtedly he misses your mother, and may need some help to get him through the grieving process.
With your other sisters, split up the chores he needs help with or hire someone to do laundry and house cleaning. If he's never cooked, you and your sisters can make batches of food (packaged in single serving portions) so he'll eat properly.
My father made his own breakfast and lunch until he was 93. But he couldn't cook dinner.
Your father initially may need help doing the grocery shopping. So help him develop a list and go with him the first few times to show him what to look for. My father had never even been in a supermarket until after he retired at age 69.
If he's a social kind of person, encourage him to participate in programs at the local senior center, church, community college, or adult education programs.
It's hard to develop a new life at that age, but is is doable. My own philosophy is that the less you do task wise for an aging parent, the better for everyone. However, much more emotional support is warranted.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 490 words; other material = 160 words
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