for release December 1, 2000
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Get Help: Don't Do All Yourself
Question: I'm caring for both my parents (80s) and am exhausted. They want everything done "their way" yesterday." I can't get out of this vicious cycle. I need help.
Answer: Yes, you do need help - both actual help in doing chores and in setting parameters of what you will do.
Make a list on paper of all the chores you do. Evaluate their capabilities to see if they can do some of them themselves. Identify those someone else can do -- and get someone else to do them -- another family member, a neighbor, a neighborhood kid. If substantive chore help is really needed, hire a home health aide to come in on a regular basis. You shouldn't do everything yourself as the stress could make you sick. Then, who will take care of your parents?
You need to set parameters of what you do, when and how. One time I had just gotten back from grocery shopping for my parents and my father said he needed more of his puddings. He wanted me to go right back to the store. I saw he still had several, and so said I'd get more when I shopped later that week. He was upset. But the world didn't come to an end.
As to doing things "their" way, don't get upset - everyone has his/her way of doing things. Few ways are "good" or "bad." They're either effective or not effective. This should be your concern. My mother used to watch me make out checks and say, "I don't do it that way." "Well," I said, "I've never had a problem." She dropped the subject.
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Question: It's time my mother, 82, gets help on a regular basis. She's afraid of having a stranger in the house. How can we protect her?
Answer: There is no 100% guarantee. Caution is warranted whether you use an agency or hire privately. There are pluses and minuses to each way of hiring.
In both cases, you need to
--carefully check references
--identify the work/chores to be done and clearly communicate expectations to the caregiver.
--train the caregiver to your standards and the way your mother likes things done.
--oversee the caregiver to make sure appropriate care is being given.
The benefits of using an agency include:
--their being able to supply a substitute caregiver if the caregiver gets ill.
--they take care of payroll taxes and IRS paper work.
The benefits of hiring someone privately, include:
--less expensive
--can be more flexible in what they'll do and the number of hours they work.
--will probably work in emergency situations without "charging"
more money.
The Center for Applied Gerontology, telephone 773-508-1320 or 773-508-1000 has a book "Someone Who Cares" with marvelous check lists. A donation will help defray the cost.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 440 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©2000 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.