for release March 9, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Wise Sayings
Question: I’m frazzled from working full-time, taking care of my two teenage daughters and husband, and now running errands for my 78 year old mother who can no longer drive. I feel as if I’m being torn apart in four different directions. Add a fifth "pull" if I include myself. I can’t do all this much longer. Need help.
Answer: The answer is not simple or easy. There is (as my hairdresser told me one day when my hair was a mess) no magic wand.
Caregivers need to - and do - garner strength from within; do what really they must do; and get help for caring for the multi-generations you’re responsible for.
Women have always been the stronger sex, emotionally. So, we take more "care" chores on our shoulders, and often put ourselves on the bottom of the priority list.
I recently came across a little book "Women Say the Wisest Things," compiled by Mary Carlisle Beasley.
Some of the advice and thoughts of well known women can be helpful - at least I hope so.
Claire Booth Luce said "There are no hopeless situations; there are only people who have grown hopeless."
>From my own experiences, being primary caregiver for my parents for six years, dealing with changes in their physical and mental capabilities was extremely difficult. But this next quote seems to fit the bill.
"Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew. They’re what make you stretch and go beyond the norm," by Cicely Tyson.
But each of us does reach the stretching limit.
In your case, can your daughters help run some of the errands for your mother? This, of course, depends on how close you live to her. What community transportation services are available? She may have to adapt to someone else’s schedule - a senior bus or taxi service. It’s not easy to adjust. But it can be done. Who else can help your mother? Again, community resources, volunteers, etc.
Can your husband become more involved in your daughters’ activities and needs, especially chauffeuring? And for yourself - does your company have flex time? Are they flexible if you have to take your mother to a doctor? Look into your company’s policies and help availability.
In other words, stretching occurs and is OK to a point. But when you get stressed out you need to STOP and seek HELP.
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Question: My father, 82, moved in with us last year after we had to place my mother in a nursing home. My father uses a walker and now has problems getting up from the toilet. I work part-time and can't be there for him all the time. He's very embarrassed when he soils his pants. Need help.
Answer: There are new devices to help in this kind of situation. One is an electronic lifting commode that helps a person stand up more safely. Such devices also help reduce "helper" back strains, if the person still needs help.
A medical equipment store should be able to help you. If not, send me a note.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 545 words; other material = 160 words
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©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.