for release March 23, 2001

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents,

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

ANGER AT AGING AND NEEDY PARENTS CAN BE AVOIDED

Question: My parents (mid-70s) live 60 miles away, so we don't see them really often. My mother seems very confused when we talk on the phone, and can't remember what our conversation is all about. I've just learned that she has had several mini-strokes (TIA's) in the past 18 months. My parents kept it a secret because they "didn't want to bother us." I'm really angry and find myself lashing out at them.

Answer: Constantly blowing up at your parents for trying to handle things themselves will only alienate them.

So understand where they are coming from. Unfortunately our society "says" that adults should be able to take care of themselves, without help, especially from their children. This is why your parents kept the TIA's a secret.

My mother was the same. Once she fell down the last few cellar steps and didn't tell us for three months. When I had my handyman put in a bannister and rubber step treads, we had a battle. But I insisted.

Another time, while I was on vacation, thousands of miles away, my father's hip gave out. He (then 93) needed emergency surgery. My mother refused to call my niece (a RN) who lived 75 miles away. She insisted she could take care of everything herself (with the housekeeper) and became extremely upset when I said I would call my niece. She also refused to call my sister, also a nurse. In the end, I cut my vacation short. So I can understand your anger.

None of us can change what society expects of people. And with independent and strong minded aging parents, you're not going to change them. So you need to throw away your anger or lock it in a closet and throw away the key. Easier said than done, you say. And I agree. But in any potential confrontational situation, ask yourself several questions before blowing up.

· How important is this event in the whole scheme of things/life?
· Will this incident really matter a year from now?
· Will I achieve anything positive by losing my temper?
· Or will I only push my parents away emotionally and they will never ask me for help when they really need it?

So, STOP (remember that past column) and give yourself time to calm down before you react. Count to ten or even 100. I used to walk out of the room and made believe I had to go to the bathroom.  Saying harsh things, even if they may be true, doesn't achieve anything positive.

Some say "sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me." I really don't think this is true. Words said in anger, especially to an older person, can be hurtful and remembered for years. For two years, my mother was upset by things my sister said to her when my mother was very ill. My mother never really forgot them.

Anger is a very natural emotion, but control is important too.

Next week: Roles and Anger.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 465 words; other material = 160 words

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