for release March 30, 2001

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

MY STUBBORN PARENTS MAKE ME ANGRY

Question: My parents, 78 and 80, are extremely stubborn and won't listen to anything my sister and I tell them to do. We're so angry, we've stopped visiting them. Now we feel guilty about our anger. After all, they are our parents.

Answer: Anger is a natural emotion and occurs in all relationships. An argument with your spouse, a co-worker, a friend. This happens all the time. Most times, we don't feel guilty because we accept the fact that it's OK to get angry with someone else.
We deal with the anger by talking about the problem or forgetting about it -- letting it go.

In our normal parenting role (to our children), we get angry and frustrated when they don't listen. And we accept that this frustration is part of the parenting role. Society says it's OK to yell at kids. I used to give the dogs hugs and then yelled at Ruth because she hadn't put the dishes away. When she commented about my actions, we discussed and positively communicated our feelings.

Society hasn't reached the stage yet where it acknowledges that we can get angry with aging parents and that it's OK to become angry. So don't feel guilty. Feeling angry and then guilty will not solve the problem.

You say your parents won't do what you and your sister "tell them to do." How often do you do what someone else "tells" you to do -- especially if you don't want to? How often do/did your kids do what you "told" them to do?

Many people, regardless of age, will do the exact opposite of what you "tell" them to do -- or not to do. They have to prove that they control their life.

My 8-year old great nephew is a prime example. If you tell him he shouldn't do something, he'll deliberately do it. Those at the other end of the age spectrum still want to control their lives -- hence they may resist what you tell them.

Keep in mind, that they are adults and have taken care of themselves for many years -- without your help.

So you need to

-- Identify the problem or situation that needs to be addressed.
-- Identify options to handling the problem/situation.
-- Evaluate the options and repercussions of each option.
-- Discuss the problem, options and repercussions with your parents.
-- Help them arrive at a decision that will be good for them.
-- Accept their decision even if it isn't your answer or is a bad one.

The amount of "steering" depends on the problem and your parents' mental capabilities to understand all the ramifications.

This methodology is the same we used for our teenaged children. We guided them to make good decisions. This learning and decision making process is all part of growing up. It's also an integral part of being an adult.

Communicating feelings and ideas are critical.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 455 words; other material = 160 words

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©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.

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