for release April 27, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
QUALITY OF LIFE: THE DETERMINING FACTOR
READER RESPONSE to January series on Death and Dying. "I was struck by your words 'whatever that means' referring to a 'terminal patient's enjoying a decent quality of life. Please do a column on this."
Answer: Quality of life and what is acceptable or unacceptable is very, very personal. Everyone adapts to aging and changes differently. What is acceptable to one person may not be for someone else.
Christopher Reeves does not have a terminal illness, but his quality of life (just my own personal opinion) is low. He has decided that this is ok.
My mother had congestive heart failure and an operation may have given her some more months. Her "quality of life" determining factor was whether or not she would be able to get around herself and drive her car. There was no guarantee she would be able to drive. She wanted all or nothing. That was her decision. And that was ok.
Everyone needs to make his/her own decision and desires known to family members.
* * *
Question: My father, 90, had a kidney removed two months ago. After a month in the hospital, he went to a nursing home. He was stable. He recently developed pneumonia and may have had a stroke or two. Now he's on a respirator and feeding tube. His veins collapsed and they just had to operate to get an IV tube in. The prognosis is not good. My brother, a doctor, and my sister want to stop the machines. I can't.
Answer: As this was a crisis, I spent a long time on the phone with this agitated son. He had the medical power of attorney, so had to make the final decision.
We talked about the prognosis -- bad. His father would not get any 'better,' nor would he have any independence or quality of life.
We talked about the Living Will, in which his father said he did not want to be kept on a respirator. We talked about the fact that a Living Will is a legal and moral command (as well as personal wishes) telling the family what was wanted.
I asked the son what his objective was in keeping up the machinery. No answer. We talked about the trauma (both physical and emotional) his father was being subjected to by the machinery.
We talked about his own feelings of not being able to let go. I then asked the son if he himself would want the machinery. The answer was a quick "No."
We talked some more about what his father wanted and again about the prognosis.
The next day, the son went to the hospital, spoke with the doctors, and stopped the machinery. He was with his father to the end -- a mere hour later.
While letting go of a loved one is very hard, it reaches a point when nature should be allowed to take over and follow its course.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 435 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.
©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.