for release May 18, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
SHOULD MOM/DAD BE LEFT HOME?
3rd of a 3 part series
Should I? Or shouldn't I take Mom or Dad with me/us? Or should Mom or Dad be left at home? I feel so guilty....
I hear this all the time. If you're a primary or full-time caregiver, surrounding one's self in a new environment eases away every day stresses.
While often a multi-generation vacation can strengthen the bonds between aged parents and adult children, there are times when the elder should be left at home.
In most cases, physical impairment and medical problems can be dealt with, and everyone can enjoy themselves. The fine line to take or not to take often rests on the mental status of the elder and the level of care needed.
When a parent is mentally confused, do not take him or her on a vacation. New environments and change often make a person even more confused, agitated and panicky. A known, secure environment is preferable for the mentally confused.
A badly confused person or someone with multiple physical and ADL problems should be left home. Changing the environment can be traumatic. Confused people need to have a sense of security and a known environment. Otherwise they can get lost, insecure, and panicky. If they wander off, they might even get injured. You shouldn't have to watch your parent every minute.
Even more important, individuals and/or couples need to get away to nurture their own relationship without their own children or their parents. A weekend at a spa, in a big city, a quiet bed and breakfast, white water rafting or skiing go a long way to rejuvenating one's energy level. I've heard about numerous divorces because the wife spent too much time with an aging parent and neglected the husband. Also, the caregiver's health must be nurtured. A change in scenery goes a long way.
How many times do parents leave young children with family or friends so they can have time for themselves? Most people don't feel guilty about this. So why should you feel guilty about leaving your parent home?
You still feel guilty? Well, your parent also deserves a break from you and the daily routine.
Plan to have someone else do the caregiving and schedule non-routine activities. A trip to the theater, the shore, something special and non-routine. Elders benefit from a day trip or other special outing. They need to feel part of the world too. Hire someone if there is no family member who can help.
Also, many senior communities and assisted living residences offer one or two week respite programs. Your parent can "visit" a "hotel." And you'll know he or she is being well cared for.
If a person is only sometimes confused, a quiet change such as a respite scenario can be beneficial. This way the daily routine is not turned upside down. It's merely modified. The different environments can help rejuvenate everyone.
Remember: vacations are to enjoy!
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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