for release December 7, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
PETS MAY BE THE THIEF
Question: My mother, 81, has always collected fine jewelry, knickknacks, and stray animals. Her house is totally disorganized. She claims she knows where everything is. In the past year, she has become frailer. A cleaning service comes in once a month, and a home health aide comes in three or four times a week.
Now she is accusing the helpers of stealing things and is very upset. She doesn't want any stranger in her house. They deny taking anything. This means I've got all the help responsibility. I can't do it all. How can we convince her to keep the cleaning service and the health aide?
Answer: Two things may be going on. If your mother's memory has become fuzzy, she may have moved an item from its usual "resting" place. She may have "hidden" it herself because she's afraid it might be stolen. She doesn't remember moving the items because short-term memory "goes" first.
The second possibility may sound far fetched. But the truth may be harder to believe than fiction. You say your mother has various animals. If they have free run of the house, one or more could be the culprit(s)
I've heard some wild stories about animals taking and hiding everything from Rolex watches to statues. Also tales of pets drinking liquor, and stealing food from counters and cabinets.
A thorough search of pet beds, closets, pantry, under a deck or porch, the back yard, garage, or even inside shoes might successfully find some of the missing items.
Your mother's reaction might be that pets don't steal. But surveillance cameras have caught many a pet "moving" objects from place to place. Birds are notorious for taking shiny objects.
See also Conversations With Carol #8 on our web site www.sandwichgeneration.com
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Question: We have a woman come in every day to help my parents (early 90s). This is the fifth helper in three months. We keep getting someone new because my parents claim the person is stealing money. We're at our wit's end.
Answer: First of all, you need to make sure there is only a little cash in the house. If there is a caregiver and you are handling (hopefully you are) their bills, there is no need for a lot of cash. Have your parents keep a notebook record of where they spend money and the amount.
Second, regardless of the amount, your parents may be hiding it themselves. You need to search the house - dresser drawers, under the mattress, odd cans in the pantry.
Needless to say, this is a chore you don't want to have to do. So, follow the previous advice.
In the early days of my mother's illness, I had a team of 4 people giving 24-hour, 7-day-a-week care. She wanted to fire various ones for silly reasons. I finally had to tell her she couldn't fire them, because I hired them. Whenever she had a fight, particularly with the full-time housekeeper, she'd call me hysterical demanding that I fire her. I was then able to quiet down both of them.
And don't keep firing helpers. Good ones are hard to find.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com. Carol also has a web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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