for release December 14, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
HAPPINESS CAN BE INHERITED
Many sandwich generationers seem to feel they have to make their parent(s) happy. If the parent is not happy, the sandwich generationer feels guilty, frustrated and unhappy herself.
I've repeatedly pointed out that happiness - or unhappiness - comes from within a person. That someone else cannot make another person happy. Certainly the sandwich generationer shouldn't feel guilty - unless he/she is discouraging a parent from doing things that create happiness.
Now there's a new twist. One that supports my premise that only one's self can create happiness.
The "Journal of Happiness Studies" first of all defines happiness as the degree to which a person likes the life he or she leads. We can all understand this.
The new twist. Studies now indicate that 50% of overall happiness is determined by your genes. In other words, you can be predisposed to be either happy or unhappy.
Studies also show that the happiness level can be increased by filling your life with positive experiences. One's emotional needs depends on being satisfied with four basic needs: autonomy, competency, relatedness, and self-esteem.
How to be happier? Exercise releases endorphins, the feel-good hormones. Act happy by smiling, which sends positive signals to your brain. Treat yourself. Get enough sleep. Not enough will make anyone sour. And get professional help to get you back on track if these other things don't work.
Question: My mother (84) has diabetes and high cholesterol. She's supposed to watch what she eats, but doesn't. She "says" she's "fine" and won't listen to her doctor, my brother or myself. I'm angry she's not taking care of herself. I find myself yelling at her. Still no change.
Answer: Most children want to have their parents live for years. So anger that they are not taking care of themselves is very natural. However, with a strong minded person or someone who denies he/she has medical problems, getting angry doesn't help.
I went through this with my mother, who denied she had congestive heart failure. She loved Chinese food and salad bars in restaurants - all loaded with salt. She just kept eating everything she shouldn't have.
Unless a person is very confused mentally, or has dementia or Alzheimer's, you can't monitor everything eaten. So, you need to back off. It's hard, but....
Recently, in going through some of my mother's papers, I found a folder marked "things worth repeating." On a tiny piece of paper is this thought:
"It wouldn't hurt so much to become angry, except that, for some reason, anger makes your mouth work faster than your mind."
Everyone, regardless of age, has to take responsibility for their actions and the repercussions. Unfortunately, in the case of your mother, you and your brother will have to deal with the medical/care problems created by her stubbornness.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com. Carol also has a web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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©2001 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.