for release December 21, 2001
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
BURDENS DIFFER DEPENDING ON CULTURE
Question: You always talk about doing less rather than more for elderly parents. I'm Chinese, and my parents (70s) expect me to do everything for them. I can't do this as I'm working and have two teenagers. I can't say "no" to them. They're a big burden.
Answer: First of all, your parents are young, and if in good health should be taking care of themselves - with only minimum help. Second, cultural differences and care expectations do need to be taken into account. Asian elders expect more of their children. Asian women have less financial security and traditionally have been more dependent.
These differences were brought out in a recent multicultural study done by AARP. Asians do more for their parents and think they should do even more. More Asians feel family is a burden.
So, you're not alone in this dilemma. You still need to step back and identify real needs and areas in which they usually need help. You need to encourage them to do as much as possible for themselves.
If they live near you and really need help, get your children involved in helping with chores for your parents as well as for yourself. At this stage, your children should be doing more for themselves, and you should be doing less. If they help with chores, then there should be time for everyone to spend time together and have fun.
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Question: I'm a 53 year old African American. Several years ago I had to defer my own education because I had to take care of my father. Now I'm also taking care of my granddaughter. I can't get a better job because I don't have the skills and can't save money for my own later years. I'm getting scared. Need advice.
Answer: If there is any comfort in this tough scenario, know you are not alone. A study, recently released by AARP, "A Report on Multiculural Boomers Coping With Family and Aging Issues" , shows that 20% of African American and 19% of Hispanics deferred their own education to take care of family members.
I don't have a ready answer. I can only encourage you to seek ways of enhancing and adding to your work skills through for example adult education programs. Also talk with your employer. Tell him/her you would like to take some courses. See if he/she can help, either by paying for the course and/or giving you paid time off to take courses.
Personally, I'm concerned about women like yourself as you undoubtedly have more stress in your life which can negatively impact your own health. And as you've pointed out, you aren't able to save money for your own elder years.
As a result of the AARP study and initiation of a multicultural and multi-organization dialogue, hopefully changes will be made in the current "system."
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or e-mail her at SandwchGen@aol.com. Carol also has a web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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