for release July 5, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Put Their Head On Your Shoulders
Question: My parents (late 70s) are very strong-minded and refuse to listen to us about moving closer to us. How can we make them move?
Question: My mother, 86, refuses to stop driving. She hasn't had any accidents yet. She's too old to be driving.
Question: My father, 80, tutors grade school kids in reading. He gets upset about the home life stories the kids tell him. We're trying to get him to stop. He refuses.
Answer: All of these scenarios point to the need for active two-way communication.
First, you need to put their head on your shoulders in order to see things from their perspective. In all of these situations, you should back off. Age has nothing to do with ability to do things for self and others. My father drove to work every day until he was 88. My mother tutored second graders when she was 90.
TIPS for better communications (regardless of age):
* To be effective, communications (both verbal words and body
language) need to fit the circumstances.
* You need to listen attentively. So do not interrupt or
make value statements or judgments.
* Ask clarifying questions. Ask the person to expand on
the "why" of his/her feelings.
* Share information and your own feelings.
* Accept the validity of his/her experiences and feelings.
For more in-depth guidance, visit our web site www.sandwichgeneration.com for article SF014.
I'll repeat here one of the most helpful TIPS words I've come across in order to understand elders' feelings and better deal with them: HELP.
What is really Happening? Is anything happening that is dangerous?
What are the Emotions of both the elder and yourself?
Are you really Listening to each other? Accept their feelings and emotions.
Only after the H,E,L evaluation should you and your aging parent Plan.
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Question: My father just passed away. He always handled the finances and paid the bills. My mother, who is totally mentally competent, does not even know how to write a check, much less balance the checkbook. She wants to stay in her own home. My family lives 100 miles away. What should I do?
Answer: First, let her stay in her own home, if physically and financially possible. Your main objective should be to keep her as independent as possible and to help her build up and maintain her own self-esteem. Teach her how to write check and balance the checkbook. If she has trouble at the end of the month with balancing the account, either you or someone at her bank can help her. On the broader picture, sit down with her to discuss overall income, where it is coming from. Take a look at bills that have to be paid each month, and help her budget the income. See if there are any ways to reduce expenses, maximize income and reduce income tax payments.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 485 words; other material = 160 words
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©2002 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.