for release July 12, 2002
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
Use Children Management Techniques With Elders
Question: My mother, 80, has a heart condition and is getting confused. She refuses to go to the doctor. All of us have tried reasoning with her. What can we do?
Answer: Elders may be upset with my response. So be it! These techniques do work!
* Reasoning does not work with someone confused, because that
person may not be tied into reality.
* As you did while raising your own children, you may have to
manipulate the situation. Hold out a "carrot." E.g., say, "we'll
stop for ice cream." In other words hold out a reward.
* Talk in VERY simple sentences, giving the confused person only
ONE idea at a time to deal with. We always use simple words with
children. (I had to do this with my mother that last year when she
had congestive heart failure and became confused very easily.
* Plan a visit to the doctor in advance, from how long it will
take to get there and where you will park. Allow enough time so you
don't have to rush. Don't leave too much extra time, as the confused
will get anxious sitting in a waiting room.
* Bring some things for the confused person to do while waiting.
We always take activity things for kids!
* Don't leave the person alone, as a strange place can be frightening.
* * *
Question: My father, 88, was a brilliant lawyer. Now he can't even carry on a simple conversation. We don't know how to talk to him.
Answer: First you need to find out if there is a medical reason for the communicating problem. He may have had one or more TIAs (mini-strokes). He may have heart or lung problems, so circulation of blood and oxygen may be the problem. A thorough multi-disciplinary geriatric evaluation is warranted. Something may be going on that can be corrected.
Second, accept the fact he mentally processes information slower and gets confused when multiple ideas are thrown at him. Speak in simple, declaratory sentences with one idea at a time. Use the same communication techniques you use with under-five children.
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Question: My mother, 80, sits home all day making lists of what she wants me to do for her. Then she calls me at least three times a day, wanting to know when I'll be there. She's healthy and can do many of these things for herself. I have my own life, but feel guilty she's getting old.
Answer: Unfortunately, aging parents (like kids) know which "buttons" to push to get our attention. You are falling for them.
You need to clearly set parameters of what you will do and not do. You need to clearly tell her that calling you so often (especially if at work) is not acceptable. If she's lonely, encourage her to go to a senior center or church and make new friends.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
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©2002 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.