| Globe Syndicate
for release October 4, 2002 The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents by Carol Abaya, M.A. Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy? Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities. Being Alone Does Not Necessarily Equal Loneliness 1st of 2 Parts Question: My mother recently passed away. My father, 74, refuses to leave his house, which is too big for him. We're frustrated because he's now alone. We think he'll get depressed. Question: After 45 years of marriage and raising a family, my mother, 70, is now alone. She refuses to move in with us (myself, husband, and two teenagers). How can we convince her she'll be better off with us than alone? Answer: Living alone does not equate with being lonely, which can result in depression and various health problems. Studies show that many people living alone lead rich lives and have rewarding social relationships. In the first case above, the size of the house is meaningless, as long as your father can live in it safely and has the financial resources to maintain it. Most people want to remain in their own home. So a larger home provides an excellent situation if he ever wants or needs live-in help. I tell my family they will "move" me out of my four-bedroom house in a "box." In the second case, again being alone doesn't necessarily lead to depression. Your mother, if healthy, is better off in her own home and known environment than in your noisy, undoubtedly active home. Too much noise around and loss of control of one's lifestyle can lead to depression. You both should be encouraging your parents to be as independent as possible as long as possible. Ensure safety, and keep an eye on their health, eating habits, and socialization. The lack of close relationships, whether family or friends, can lead to depression. Living alone in itself does not. * * * Question: I am 84, live alone in a changing neighborhood, volunteer at a nearby nursery school, and keep in touch with old friends via e-mail. My daughter refuses to visit or let my teenage granddaughter visit because of the neighborhood and my refusal to move. I'm upset. Answer: You have a right to be upset. Adult children should keep an eye on the physical and mental health of a parent and step in when need arises. They should not dictate lifestyle. Everyone has different values, and respect should head any priority list. You seem to have a full life and that's what is important. The philosopher Cicero said that friendship multiplies the good of life and lightens adversity. So keep on doing what gives you pleasure and satisfaction. As long as you are healthy, feel and are safe, stick to your guns. Often a changing ethnic neighborhood is more protective of its older residents. * * * Sayings from my mother's Little Brown Book: "Service to a just cause rewards the worker with more real happiness and satisfaction than any other venture of life." (Carrie Chapman Catt.) "Man is meant for happiness and his happiness is in him, in the satisfaction of the daily needs of his existence." (Leo Tolstoy). * * * Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, c/o Name\Address of YOUR newspaper (or mail direct to her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132) or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com. Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents. NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 500 words; other material = 160 words We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column. ©2002 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved. |