Globe Syndicate
For release Friday April 18, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
ELDERS NEED SELF ESTEEM: MAKE THEM DO FOR THEIR SELF
Question: My mother, now 78, came to live with us four years ago. In order to
make her feel welcome, I did as much as possible for her. Now she refuses to do
anything for herself and demands I do everything - from cleaning her room, her
laundry, and cooking her meals. I resent this and feel guilty about this
resentment.
Answer: You created your own monster and need to accept that. My mantra has
always been: Do as little as possible for parents, given their true needs and
own capabilities. Only do for them what she/he really can’t do for self.
If people are not encouraged to and allowed to do for themselves, they can
become mental and/or physical vegetables. Then the Sandwich Generationer has to
deal with the monster created.
The objective of a Sandwich Generationer MUST NOT be to do everything for a
parent or older person. Making a person comfortable by doing everything
negatively impacts the elder’s physical and mental health.
NOR is it a Sandwich Generationer’s responsibility to make THEM happy. It is a
responsibility to keep aging parents as independent as possible for as long as
possible and to make sure they are well taken care of.
By doing everything for them, their own dignity and feeling of self-worth are
taken away. No one likes to be dependent on others.
When that happens depression sets in. Then whether or not the person is able to
do chores, he stops doing them. The Sandwich Generationer is then stuck with
having to do everything. The consequences of doing everything to make a parent
comfortable can be disastrous for both the Sandwich Generationer and a loved
parent.
When a parent moves in or visits, take her/him into the kitchen, and show her
where things are. Show her where the linen closet is if towels, soap or toilet
paper are needed. Tell a parent, “I am not going to wait on you.”
Most elderly parents do not live with children. They live alone. Sometimes close
by. More often miles away. As long as they are capable of doing things for
themselves, let them. More importantly, actively encourage them to remain
self-sufficient.
Do step back and identify their weaknesses. What can’t they do? Then identify
family and community resources to help.
If Sandwich Generationers start doing everything for a parent from the
beginning, then they will HAVE to do it all the time because an aging parent
will no longer feel confident in doing for himself.
Is everyone going to be happy even if a Sandwich Generationer does do everything
for a parent? Probably not. There are many people who when they were younger
were not happy, positive people. This is not going to change. Doing everything
for them is not going to make them happy. In fact, the more one does, the more
things an elder has to criticize.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 498 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.