Globe Syndicate
For release Friday May 2, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
DOCTORS NEED TO WIDEN
COMMUNICATIONS TO TOTAL FAMILY
Question: My mother (88) moved in with us three months ago. She is confused much
of the time and has little short term memory. Her health until now has been
good, so we had no need to talk to doctors. Now she has fainted twice. The
doctor refuses to talk to me because my mother does not have a Living Will. What
should we do?
Answer: First, and foremost, get another doctor! Doctors nowadays need to
include family members and caregivers, even if there is no designated health
care representative. After all, it is the family who deals with the day-to-day
care and problems. All too often, doctors use the now outdated criteria of
“mental incompetence” in deciding whether or not to talk to adult children.
The mental incompetence criteria has been changed to “mental capacity.” This is
a broader concept and can apply even if the person may still be “competent” from
the strictest sense.
I asked one doctor with a sizable older patient roster what he does. He said, in
essence, he “punts” and most often refuses to talk to adult children unless the
elder gives specific instructions.. Not a very satisfactory answer in my book!
Doctors need to broaden their horizons and deal better with today’s aging and
caregiving realities. Direct and open communications with adult children is
really important!
All too often elders really don’t hear what the doctor says. then they make up
something when a child asks about the visit. My mother did this all the time.
Question: My mother, 78, has supposedly “fallen” twice and was treated in the
emergency room. We suspect my stepfather pushed her. The doctor refuses to talk
with us even though we suspect abuse is going on. My mother denies she was
pushed.
Answer: You should be concerned! Take a closer look at where her bruises are or
if she broke a bone, which one. Try to mentally recreate a natural fall as
opposed to a pushed one. You should also note other bruises and where they are.
Unfortunately elder abuse is on the rise. Often it is family members - spouses
or adult children caregivers - who are the abuser. Millions of elderly suffer
silently, because they fear even more abuse or they will be abandoned and have
no one take care of them.
Everyone needs to be alert to this problem. Doctors should report it to another
family member or if repeated instances occur to the authorities. In some states,
doctors must report suspected abuse. Friends or neighbors should alert
appropriate people if they have any suspicions, and adult children should
address the problem.
Some people may feel they shouldn’t get ‘involved.’ But I’d certainly fee guilty
if I didn’t get involved and something really bad happened.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 475 words; other material = 160 words
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