Globe Syndicate
For release Friday May 16, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
GENERATIONAL VALUES
AND LIKES DIFFER WIDELY
Question: My mother, 76, lives in a senior complex with a lot of activities. I
like to take her out for a special day once a month. I try to think of
interesting things to do. Lately she has been resisting and says she wants to
stay home. I feel rejected.
Answer: I’m sure she’s not rejecting you as a person. But she may not really
enjoy what you plan. You may plan what you like rather than what she likes.
In many cases, we may not even know a parent’s likes and dislikes.
I knew my mother liked the horse races, and so would plan a day there when she
visited. But I never knew until one day she told me “I hate strawberries.” My
father always grew them so I assumed she liked them.
Think about what your mother did and liked before she moved into her current
home. And, just as important, bring her into the planning stage. Ask her what
she’d like to do and/or give her a choice of several things.
Question: My mother’s 80th birthday is coming up. I don’t know what to get her
as she never likes that I choose. I’m stumped.
Answer: You may be doing what the daughter in the previous question did --choose
what you liked, rather than your mother’s taste.
So why not give her a surprise birthday party? Invite not only the family, but
track down old friends with whom she may have lost contact. I did that for my
mother and even invited a couple of friends she hadn’t seen in years. She loved
it!
Question: I get so angry with my father, 75, that I feel I’m going to fall
apart. I worry constantly about him. He lives 30 miles from us in his own house.
My anger is alienating us.
Answer: You didn’t say why you’re so angry with your father. But, regardless,
anger is a powerful emotion. It covers up feelings of frustration (maybe he
doesn’t want to move closer to you), hurt (that he doesn’t “listen” to you) or
worry (about him getting ill).
So identify why you’re angry. Is it a realistic anger? Or do you want control?
After all, if he’s able to take care of himself, he should control his own life.
Do talk about your concerns and worries with him and look at alternatives to
dealing with them.
Question: My parents (late 70s) came for a two week visit. My son told me he had
too much homework to do one of his regular chores. My father got very angry with
and yelled at my son. I was in the middle.
Answer: A typical intergenerational clash. Teens today more openly express their
feelings and disagreements with parents. And that’s ok, as long as it’s done in
a respectful manner.
A great book is “Another Country” by Mary Pipher, Ph.D. She explores behavior
differences between generations.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 499 words; other material = 160 words
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.