Globe Syndicate
For release Friday June 20, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
CHILDREN DO NEED TO INTERVENE IF.........
1st of 3 Parts
Question: My parents (late 70s) are very independent and don’t want my brother
and myself interfering with their life. They seem to be getting frailer. When do
we say “Enough is enough?”
Answer: I always use the “safety” criteria for guidance. Step in when physical,
emotional or financial safety is at risk.
I had a royal battle with my parents when I had my handyman install a railing on
their back steps. I had seen my father (then in his 80s) using his hands on the
steps as leverage to go up.
I also had rubber treads put on the cellar stairs after my mother slid down the
boom ones. Again, a battle.
Here are some signs of functional “decline” that can indicate risk -- and the
need to intervene.
• check the refrigerator for spoiled food.
• check pots for charring and burning.
• check the washing machine for moldy clothes or bad odors.
• check the clothes closet for bad odors.
• sloppy and/or dirty clothing, especially if they have been scrupulously neat
before, is a definite red flag.
• if there are urine smells in rooms other than the bathroom, incontinence may
be a problem.
• evidence a pet is not being properly cared for can be the result of
forgetfulness or dementia.
• unopened mail and unpaid bills are a sure red flag.
• ongoing confusion as to day of the week, what you had just talked about, etc.
• misuse of medicines can lead to serious illness.
• reports from friends that the person is doing “strange” things.
• getting lost, either on foot or while driving.
• loss of or fast gain of weight.
• an uncharacteristic spending spree.
See Q&A102 on our web site www.sandwichgeneration.com.
Question: My parents (early 80s) refuse to move closer to us. I’m losing sleep
which is hurting my work. I’m getting angry!
Answer: Anger will only make them even more determined to stay where they are.
It certainly will interfere with a positive relationship.
As long as they have mental capacity and the financial resources, they have a
right to do what they want to.
What you can do is help them safety proof the house to avoid accidents. Also,
hiring someone to do the cleaning and yard work is a positive step.
Your parents may hide functioning decline. So make sure their friends and
neighbors have your telephone number. Ask them to alert you if they see danger
signs.
My parents’ neighbor always alerted me when the ambulance came. My father
periodically had mini-strokes.
See SF010 and Q&A109 on our web site www.sandwichgeneration.com.
Question: I walked into my father’s apartment and there was no electricity. I
learned my father had not paid the bills for four months and the electric
company turned off the power. How can this happen?
Answer: This happens more often than most people realize. Most utility,
telephone and insurance companies have a third party alert procedure. If bills
aren’t paid, the company contacts another family member.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 520 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.