Globe Syndicate
For release Friday June 27, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
DON’T FORCE A MOVE, UNLESS......
2nd of 3 Parts
Question: We live 200 miles from my parents (early 80s). We were shocked during
our Mother’s Day visit to see how frail they are, how slowly my mother moves,
and how much trouble they seem to have doing everyday things.
All the other family members who used to live there have either died or moved.
We want them to move close to us (myself, sister and aunt). They refuse to even
discuss moving.
Answer: First identify the things they have difficulty doing. Make a written
list.
Then identify their friends with whom they socialize. If there are friends
nearby and they have a regular kind of social life, moving might not be the best
answer. It’s very difficult to make new friends at their age. Socialization is a
key element in longer, healthier life spans.
Look into community resources to get the trouble tasks done. It may also be good
to hire a geriatric case manager. (Special Features #SF005 on our web site
ww.sandwichgeneration.com.) A GCM can organize and supervise hired and/or
volunteer help. A GCM can also give you peace of mind.
If they have little or no social life, a move decision should be openly
discussed. Tell them you’re worried and concerned and want to be there if they
need help or get sick. (See web site Special Features #SF011).
Research living alternatives in your area, senior activities, and services
available. DO NOT have them move in with you or your sister. Help them maintain
their independence.
Invite them to visit for 2 or 3 weeks. Introduce them to activities nearby, the
senior center, senior residences or assisted living residences.
Many senior residences and assisted living facilities (ALF) allow a person to
“visit” for a couple of weeks before a “move” decision is made. Show your
parents they can maintain their independence and have an enjoyable and easier
lifestyle.
The final decision ideally should be theirs. If they do move, be sure and help
them choose the furniture, knickknacks and family mementos they want to keep.
Needless to say, if dementia is present or they are moderately to severely
confused, the approach needs to be modified. In the end, you may have to push
the move. This is particularly true if physical and medical safety is involved.
Question: My mother, 86, is very confused, but refuses to leave the house in
which she (and we) grew up in. It isn’t safe for her to live alone. Also, she’s
become reclusive. She used to be very active in her church.
Answer: Senior and assisted living residences are marvelous living alternatives.
See if one near you has a “vacation” plan. Present it to your mother as a
vacation in a hotel. See how she adjusts before moving her.
One daughter, whose mother was in an ALF I was visiting, said to me “My mother
loves the food. She told me it was great because they never asked her for
money.”
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 507 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.