Globe Syndicate
For release Friday July 4, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
ELDERS SHOULD NOT MOVE
IN WITH ADULT CHILDREN
Part 3 of 3 Parts
Question: My mother-in-law (82) wants to move in with us (self, husband, teenage
daughter). She still drives and is very particular in her “ways.” My husband has
opted out of the discussion, and I’m left to be the “good” guy or “bad” one.
Need guidance.
Answer: Before an elder moves in with adult children and grandchildren, everyone
needs to consider and talk bout a number of things.
• Privacy. Will everyone have their own privacy? Is the living area for the
elder separate from the rest of the family? This is very important!
• Relationships: What is the basic relationship between the elder and his/her
adult child? If it is not too good, a move in is not advisable.
• Personalities: What kind of personalities are there? Are the various people
flexible in lifestyle and behavior? Or rigid? If rigid, then a move in will not
be happy. If one person thinks his/her “way” is the only way, conflict can
easily result.
• Parameters: Parameters of behavior need to be discussed and established.
Household chores should be divided, and everyone, including the elder and
teenager(s) should know what is expected.
• Finances: expenses should be shared, unless the elder has absolutely nothing.
No one age group should bear the brunt of costs.
• Outside help: no one should bear the majority burden of care for the elder.
Help should be brought in, whether the sandwich generationer works or stays
home.
Question: My father, 90, died last month. My mother, 86, now wants to go to
church at least twice a week. She doesn’t drive. This has become a stressful
situation as I work part-time.
Answer: Spiritual comfort is really important to a grieving elder. Also,
socialization helps maintain mental health. Encourage her to continue. Look at
transportation options -- another church goer, hire a taxi or neighbor. Reduce
your own chauffeuring responsibilities.
Question: My parents (late 70s) are still healthy and active. It don’t know how
I’ll handle things if they get really sick. This whole scene scares me.
Answer: Perhaps the words of this poem, author unknown, will help.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
So live and savor every moment.
Life is not a dress rehearsal.
Studies conclude that those with love for others live longer and healthier. So,
don’t think about the negatives, the “what ifs”. Savor every minute of your
parent’s good health. With love, I’m sure you’ll do fine when the time comes.
Question: My parents have both passed away. I now feel guilty that I did not do
enough for them. These thoughts keep going round and round in my head. I can’t
live with myself.
Answer: Who says you didn’t do enough? It’s always easy for someone else to say
this. But why are you listening to perhaps someone’s expectation. If you did
what you could at the time, given all your other responsibilities, that’s what
is important.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 549 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
of the column.
©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.