Globe Syndicate
For release Friday August 8, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
SIMPLE CONVERSATIONS MAY
BECOME AN INQUISITION TO ELDER
Question: I spent the afternoon with my mother, 89, and thought it went very
well. She loves to shop and get a bargain. We talked about all the sales, what
she bought, and how little she paid. Later she complained to my brother that I
was grilling her as to how she was spending her money. I wasn’t. It’s her money.
I’m very upset.
Answer: Even if an elder doesn’t have Alzheimer’s or dementia, often the
perception of an event or, in this case, a conversation may be warped. Some sort
of paranoia may be coming into play. This apparently happened in this situation.
Sometimes asking too many questions may seem to be an inquisition in the eyes of
the elder. Talking about money can be tricky. Talk about colors, how it looks -
but not cost.
Even if an elder initiates the money factor, she may “remember” it as coming
from you.
Often asking a bunch of questions in a short period of time makes the elder
defensive. And if she has become forgetful, it may be difficult for her to
remember the words to answer you.
Question: My father, 82, has always been a controlling person. Now he’s become
very forgetful and imagines all kinds of crazy things. He gets furious and
starts screaming when I try to get him to understand that his facts are wrong.
I’ve become a terrible person. I’m not!
Answer: I had a similar problem with my mother - and her housekeeper. The
housekeeper would try to bring my mother “back” to reality. It only got my
mother upset, and she’d yell “I’m not crazy!
I had to explain that this was another aging phase and would not get better.
Both of us had to change our approach. The following proved helpful and less
explosive.
• Don’t try to use logic, reason or common sense. This does not work.
• Don’t argue. Change the subject to distract him.
• Don’t confront him with your facts. They may not be his “facts” or perception
of what is happening.
• Don’t remind him that he’s forgotten. Don’t say “I’ve told you this five times
already.”
If you disregard the above, the situations and conversations will continue to be
explosive. Resentment on both parts certainly doesn’t result in a positive
relationship.
Question: My father, 90, has severe dementia and always wants to talk to “my
broker.” He hasn’t dealt with a stock broker for ten years. He gets very upset
and yells at me when I tell him this.
Answer: As you can see, trying to bring him back to reality only gets explosive.
Acknowledge his request and say, “Oh, __ is on vacation this month,” or “___ is
sick” or “was in an accident.” Say you’ll call him when he’s back in the office.
It’s likely your father will forget the conversation five minutes after it
occurs. But you’ve avoided an explosive emotional situation.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 502 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.