Globe Syndicate
For release Friday October 03, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
STUBBORNNESS CAN CAUSE FRICTION
Question: My father, 87, does just the opposite of what we tell/want him to do.
Now he’s refusing to stop driving, especially at night. What should we do?
Answer: Understand he is doing just the opposite and driving in order to prove
he’s still in control of his life. After, all you’re still a “kid” (in his
mind).
Stop “telling” him what to do. Point out options and repercussions and then let
him make his own decisions. A decision may be a wrong one. But it’s everyone’s
right to make mistakes.
In reference to driving, see if there is a refresher driving course in your
area. An instructor can easily identify his weak points and determine if he
shouldn’t be driving.
Also, if he has had accidents, the insurance company can put pressure on him. If
he is even moderately confused, his doctor can help get his license revoked.
You do need to carefully evaluate his capabilities before any kind of drastic
action.
I used to tell my mother she could continue driving if she didn’t have an
accident, didn’t cause an accident and could find her way home. She didn’t like
me even saying this.
Micro-managing resistance
Elders like teens need to prove their independence to themselves as well as
others. In dealing with stubborn elders, reverse psychology and manipulation may
be needed. Either say nothing (e.g. don’t say you must stop driving) or give the
impression you want the elder to do something else.
Several years ago, a reader called and said her mother, 90, shouldn’t be driving
in icy weather. She asked my advice on how to get her mother to stop driving. My
advice, don’t say anything definitive because the elder would do the opposite. I
suggested she not say anything when the weather forecasts were bad.
A couple of weeks later, the daughter called me back. “The weather forecasts
predicted an ice storm over the weekend. My mother goes to church Sundays. I was
tempted to warn her. I didn’t. She decided not to drive,” the daughter said.
Question: My father-in-law, 76, lives alone and is very stubborn. There are a
number of unsafe things in the house. He refuses to do anything or allow us to
take care of them. He and my husband have sharp words, and their relationship is
deteriorating.
Answer: When safety is involved, I do suggest strong action. If repairs need to
be made, get them done and pay for them. Be sure to supervise.
I had to do this twice, even though my parents were furious. Once to have a
railing installed on the outside back steps, and then to have the carpeting in
the living and dining rooms replaced. Do verbally express your concerns and love
and say you want him around for a long time.
Question: What do I do when my father does dumb things and he might get hurt?
Answer: You can only say you are concerned about his taking unnecessary risks.
Unless he has dementia, you can’t physically stop someone.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 594 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.