Globe Syndicate
For release Friday October 17, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
ACCUSATIONS CAN HURT CHILDREN
Question: My mother, 79, has lived with us for five years and had a great
relationship with my two children. Lately she’s been accusing them of stealing
her favorite food. The kids are upset.
Answer: If dementia or the beginnings of Alzheimer’s is evident, help your
children understand the situation. Explain that your mother’s brain is “sick”
and she doesn’t fully understand what she says. Reality is not reality to
someone with dementia.
One ten year old in this same situation simply said, “grandma, there is more in
the refrigerator (or closet).” Denying the food was stolen will achieve nothing
positive.
This same boy would tell his mother (if he forgot something) “Oh, it’s my
Alzheimer’s.”
Question: My mother, 90, hides her jewelry and then accuses my daughter of
taking something. My daughter gets mad and yells at her.
Answer: Yelling is only going to get everyone more upset. The dementia is not
going to go away. While it may sound silly, you or your daughter might say “Oh,
grandma, your earrings were so pretty that the fairies borrowed them. Let’s see
if we can find them.” This removes the accusations from your daughter to
“someone” else.
Question: My father, 88, has Alzheimer’s and insists on wearing two shirts at
the same time. He looks silly. He refuses to take off one.
Answer: You might modify things by giving him a colored tee shirt (instead of an
undershirt) and put a regular shirt on top. That way he may feel he’s dressed
properly (whatever that is).
Question: I’ve told my mother, 89, at least six times when the aide comes in.
She denies I told her. We both get frustrated.
Answer: Short term memory often goes first. Take a calendar and mark down the
time on the appropriate day. Sit down with her as you put the information on the
calendar. You can also “X” off each day, so she knows which is “today.” This
should help ease her anxiety.
Question: My father, 83, recently moved in with us. He’s always yelling at my
sons, 14 and 17, as they spend a lot of time on the computer. Most of the time,
they are doing homework, and are B+ students. My father doesn’t believe them.
Answer: First, explain to your sons that computers didn’t exist when you or your
father were growing up. Explain that your father doesn’t understand how much
good information is available.
Second, you need to point out to your father that your sons are excellent
students. Also sit down at the computer and do a search on a subject of interest
to him. Show him how much information is available.
Question: My mother, 75, visited over the summer and called my daughter, 17,
terrible names when she came in late several nights. She’s a good girl and gets
top grades. My daughter was very upset.
Answer: Reassure your daughter that you’re upset with your mother, not her. Tell
your mother to stop criticizing your daughter.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 516 words; other material = 160 words
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.