Globe Syndicate
For release Friday November 14, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
SETTING PARAMETERS AND
FLEXIBILITY KEY TO WORK SITE
Question: My father, 74, calls me at work at least twice a day. I have a
management position and often have someone else in my office. I can’t get myself
to tell him not to call.
Answer: You need to set parameters. Explain your position and why he shouldn’t
call unless it’s an emergency. Arrange a time at night for you to talk - and it
doesn’t have to be every day.
Or (1) If you have a direct line, have the number changed and don’t give it to
him. Give him only the company’s main number in case of an emergency.
(2) Have your secretary or someone else screen your calls. If it’s not an
emergency, have her say you are on the phone or in a meeting.
Aging parents do need to be sensitive to their children’s responsibilities at
work. One reader lost several jobs because her stepfather kept calling at work
and interrupted her ability to work productively.
Question: My mother, 86, can no longer drive. Her health is deteriorating and
she needs to go to three different doctors for checkups because of all the
medications. My boss gets mad and docks my pay. My work gets done. I need the
money. I also need to talk with the doctors because my mother doesn’t remember
what they say.
Answer: Unless you work in a job where work flow is interrupted if you’re not
there, I would hope your boss can be a little flexible. The criteria should be
that your work is done timely and at the quality standards established.
Employers do need to be more sensitive to elder care responsibilities.
Talk with him to see if he’ll be more flexible. You might come in early that day
or stay later to make up for the time away from the office. Also give him as
much notice as possible in case your work has a tight deadline or someone has to
cover for you.
Question: My parents (78 and 76) live 50 miles from us and are beginning to have
some health problems. They are very independent and always say they “are fine,”
even if they’re not. I think we need to discuss a number of things, but
hesitate.
Answer: Major problems can occur if preplanning is not done before a medical
crisis.
My parents didn’t plan, and my mother became very ill suddenly. I had to take
over her business and oversee medical care. I had no legal authority to run her
business. I had no Power of Attorney to pay her bills. So, I know what happens
when people are so independent and private.
Advice: take the bull by the horns. Initiate a discussion of Durable Power of
Attorney (to handle finances), a Living Will (medical POA), and a Testamentary
Will.
This may be emotionally upsetting for them, but persevere. You might drop the
discussion that day, but bring it up again. It’s important!
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 503 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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