Globe Syndicate
For release Friday November 21, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
CELEBRATE WITH LOVE, JOY & RESPECT
Question: My father, 76, died suddenly two months ago. He always was Santa. Now
we don’t know what to do. One of my sisters says we shouldn’t celebrate Xmas
this year at all.
Answer: Not celebrating at all denies the worth of your father and his role in
life. If there are still very young children, certainly celebrate with a family
dinner, tree and gifts. Take the children to the mall to see Santa.
This year, Xmas may be a sad day. But joy for the living as well as your
father’s legacy should not be forgotten. Remember all the fun times and share
feelings.
Question: My mother, 88, had to be placed in a nursing home this past summer.
She suffered a major stroke. She did much of the Thanksgiving cooking, with some
age-old family side dish recipes. My sister says we should bring her home for
the holidays. She is bedridden and confused.
Answer: Bringing a confused elder home during the holidays serves no positive
purpose. Sounds harsh, I know. But your mother may become excessively agitated
and then no one will enjoy.
Assign the special side dishes to someone else. Bring some to your mother to
validate her past contributions.
Question: We put off moving my mother, 84, into an assisted living home because
of severe dementia. But we had to do it. We don’t know what to tell her great
grandchildren, 5 and 6, or whether to have the kids visit her. We don’t want the
kids to be upset.
Answer: During the holidays, it is important that family members visit an elder
in a nursing or assisted living home. Not all at once, and not for long periods
of time.
Guidelines: two to four people at a time, for 30 to 45 minutes.
Tell the children that your mother is old and sick, but wants to see them.
I also hope the grandchildren make sure they visit. Even with severe dementia,
the elder has some awareness of love from others.
The mother of a friend of mine was in a nursing home. . She recognized only her
daughter, and sometimes didn’t know who she was. I visited one day and she
smiled when she saw me. We chatted for several minutes. Finally, I said, “Do you
know who I am?” She smiled. “I know I know you. I don’t know how.” My visit made
her happy. Even those with dementia still have an inner sense of love. So share
it.
Question: Although my parents live 100 miles away, they always came to my house
for the holidays. Now my father (88) says he’s not traveling that far and
doesn’t like all the noise. How can we celebrate without him?
Answer: Respect his wishes. Sometimes travel and noise, joyous as it is for us,
gets elders dizzy and physically unbalanced.
Figure out a way to bring the holidays to him and your mother, albeit on another
day near the holidays.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 563 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
of the column.
©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.