Globe Syndicate
For release Friday December 12, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
DON’T DO ALL FOR EVERYONE: SAY NO
For whatever reason, the holidays seem to produce more letters regarding stress
and the seemingly need to do all for everyone else. Carved in my stone
philosophy: Acknowledge your own limitations, ask for help from others, and
learn to say that bad, but very necessary, word “No.”
Question: My mother, 72, fell and broke her ankle. She's staying with us until
she can get around. Everyone (mother, two teens and husband) expects me to do
everything. I can’t.
Answer: You should say you “won’t.” Learning to say “no” and getting everyone to
do chores is critical in life today. Multi-generational responsibilities adds
more stress.
The only way to deal with a scenario like this is to:
(1) have a family conference, with everyone at the table
(2) tell them you cannot and, more importantly, will not do everything for them.
(3) make a list of chores that need to be done and assign some to each person.
Give yourself the least number and only those that no one else can really do
well.
Even though your mother can’t get around easily, there are chores she can do
sitting down. Folding laundry. Cutting up vegetables for salad.
Sandwich generationers often create their own monsters by catering to a parent
who is quite capable of helping out. Sandwich generationers should keep in mind
that everyone needs to be needed.
The teens also should be doing almost everything for themselves - including
laundry - and helping you. Taking out the garbage. Caring for a pet. Watering
house or outside plants. They need to start taking responsibility around the
house. They need to learn that life is not a free ride on mom’s back.
Question: We just added 3 rooms to our house for my 88 year old mother. She’s
only been with us a month, but we see rapid deterioration. She has it easy, no
responsibility. So why is she just sitting around watching TV?
Answer: By making it easy for her, you’ve taken away her self-esteem and feeling
able to take care of herself. She should keep her rooms neat and basically clean
herself.
She should also be given some chores to help you. Starting supper can be a big
help to you as you work such long hours. A woman at one of my recent seminars
said her mother expected her (the daughter) to do everything for her (the aging
mother.) At the same time, the grandmother made the granddaughter breakfast
every day and gave her snacks after school. The young daughter told her mother
“Grandma is more needy when you are home.” In this case the sandwich
generationer needs to make some changes in her behavior and ask her mother for
help.
In your case, your mother needs some mental and socialization stimulation.
Otherwise she’ll become a mental and physical vegetable. Help her make new
friends through the local church or senior center.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text =554 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.