Globe Syndicate
For release Friday January 9, 2004
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
AGING PARENTS NEED
MORALE BOOSTERS
Question: My mother, 80, is here for a month’s visit to see if we all get along
and she should move in with us. Even if we’re not going out, she puts on makeup
and earrings right after breakfast. She’s driving me nuts.
Answer: Good for her! Shame on you!
Your mother wants - and needs - to feel good about herself. Makeup helps her
self-esteem. An aunt of mine used to say “a little powder and paint makes you
look like what you ain’t.” This is important as one ages and more wrinkles
appear. You should compliment her on looking so nice. Or tell her how much you
like her earrings.
Question: My mother, 86, walks around the house in a faded house dress and torn
slippers. She’d be very attractive if she dressed better. What can I do?
Answer: An integral part of being a sandwich generation is taking the leadership
role in the relationship. A critical element in elder good mental health is
self-esteem.
Your mother dressing in a faded robe indicates, at least to me, that she doesn’t
have much self-esteem. You need to work on this.
When she goes out and looks nice, compliment her. Tell her she looks great in
that dress/slacks, whatever. Take her shopping for a new house dress and
slippers. Tell her you want her to go with you because you need some things.
Steer her to clothes for herself. Encourage her to get some new things. New
equals a great morale booster.
Question: My father, 90, mixes clothes with different patterns and colors. I
think he’s color blind, but don’t want to hurt his feelings. How can I broach
the subject?
Answer: In the whole scheme of life, does it really matter? As long as he feels
good about himself, it’s OK.
We gave my parents a surprise 60th anniversary party. We told them we were just
going out to lunch. When I walked into my parents’ home, my father (93) got up
from his chair and hiked up his pants. He stood there, looking expectantly at
me, seeking my approval of how he looked.
He had on checkered slacks, a plaid jacket, and a polka dot bowtie. I looked him
up and down and said “Boy, Dad, you really look snazzy.” His whole face lit up
with a big smile!
Hethen felt good about himself. I had “nurtured” that emotional need.
Question: My mother, 78, lives with us. She does nothing all day and complains
she is always tired. I have to do everything for her, even though she’s healthy.
What should I do?
Answer: Number one, carved in stone, stop doing things for her. Tell her you’re
tired and stressed from work. Second, identify things she can do for you while
you’re at work. Third, identify socializing activities to get her out of the
house. She’s still young and should have her own friends. Leaving anyone home
alone during the day is bad.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 561 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2004 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.