Globe Syndicate
For release Friday January 16, 2004
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
BALANCE SETTING BEHAVIORAL
PARAMETERS AND EMPOWERING
Question: My mother, 79, is now living with us. After a few weeks, she went
through my clothes drawers. She said she was looking for a scarf to borrow. The
following week she “borrowed” a pair of expensive earrings and lost one. Now
she’s going through my desk and personal papers. I’m mad!
Answer: You have a right to be upset. No one should go through anyone else’s
clothes or papers without permission. Carved in stone. I’m pretty sure you
established appropriate rules when your own children were growing up.
You need to sit down with your mother and establish acceptable behavior
parameters. Tell her if she wants to borrow something she should ask. And ask
her if she’d like you going through all of her personal things.
Question: My father, 90, was always bossy. He now lives with us and interferes
with my children’s lives, even though they’re adults themselves. My children
don’t want to visit because of my father.
Answer: Trying to establish acceptable behavior with someone who has always
wanted to control is difficult, if not impossible.
Discuss the whole situation with your father. Tell him you love him, but are not
happy about your children not visiting because of him. Ask him to try to change
what he says.
Barring his changing, you should discuss things with your children. Tell them
your father loves them and wants what he thinks is best, even if it isn’t. Tell
them he has always been this way, and can’t change his personality. Everyone
needs to just acknowledge his concern and go their own way. Arguing or
disagreeing with him will only hurt the relationship.
Question: Last time my parents (70s) visited, my mother threw a temper tantrum
because I served corn. I put everyone’s food on the plate in the kitchen. She
pushed the corn onto the table. I don’t allow my children to do this. It’s a bad
example.
Answer: Yes, it is a bad example. Everyone has likes and dislikes. But your
mother should have just ignored it or asked you not to give her corn.
Discuss her bad behavior with her. Or she may lose friends if she does this in a
restaurant or someone else’s house.
It’s difficult enough to experience children’s bad behavior. Adult bad behavior
is not acceptable.
Question: I (78) just moved to be closer to my two daughters and grandchildren.
My daughters are pushing me to go to the local senior center. I don’t want to be
with all those old people. Tell them to leave me alone!
Answer: I think you may be confusing adult day care with senior centers. Adult
day care centers are for those who may be confused and/or have medical problems.
Senior centers are very different and cater to healthy, active seniors. There
are many activities, trips and interesting workshops. The ones near me have
everything from Tai Chi to lectures, cards to trips to Broadway shows and
Atlantic City.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132,Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 563 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2004 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.