Globe Syndicate
For release Friday February 6, 2004
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
CHILDHOOD RIVALRIES REPEATED IN
ELDER CARE SITUATIONS
1st of 2 parts
Question: My mother, 82, has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and can no longer live alone safely. I think an assisted living residence will give her a beautiful living environment and the daily care she needs. My brother says there’s nothing wrong with her. My sister says she should be allowed to stay in her own home. Every time we talk we all get angry, and so nothing has been solved. I’ve been taking care of her on a daily basis and can no longer handle everything. Need advice.
Answer: Your brother obviously is in denial as he cannot accept your mother’s illness. He does need to acknowledge reality.
As for the difference in opinion with your sister, you probably see things clearer as you’re there more often. However, you should look at and evaluate options both from a financial point as well as daily caregiving.
Keeping an elder at home often helps the elder maintain some sense of self control. So, in initial stages of dementia live-in help is beneficial. Don’t do everything yourself.
There is a point when even live-in help cannot provide a safe environment if the elder wanders or has a tendency to leave the house alone. Then a facility is better.
• You should all sit down (with your mother if she is still able to understand basic concepts) and honestly express your concerns and feelings. Get input from your mother if possible.
• Be realistic in your own expectations as to what and how much help your siblings can give. You shouldn’t have to do everything.
• Identify needs and help options by fully discussing the situation.
• Everyone needs to understand and accept siblings’ feelings - even if you don’t agree.
• If you can’t agree or come to an acceptable compromise, get help from a facilitator, a priest or social worker. Your local office on aging can help you.
Question: I’ve always been there for my parents, now mid 80’s. My two brothers live across the country and don’t care about anything. My sister refuses to help, even a little. We’ve never been a close family. But now I resent having the total burden.
Answer: A family conference call seems warranted. You shouldn’t have the total burden.
Often sibling discord occurs when one person, like yourself, takes on all the responsibilities. You fit the profile of a child living the closest, with the closest relationship. You may be perceived as being “the favorite” - thus childhood jealousies resurface.
If you haven’t maintained communications with your siblings, they may feel left out of the loop.
Everyone needs to be brought into the situation. Needs and care options should be discussed openly. If your siblings can’t or won’t participate in actual care, then they all should help financially so your mother gets appropriate care. This will also relieve you of some of the burden.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 553 words; other material = 160 words
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