Globe Syndicate

For release Friday February 13, 2004

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

CHILDHOOD RIVALRIES REPEATED IN

ELDER CARE SITUATIONS

2nd of 2 parts

Question: My brother is very jealous of the close relationship I have with my father, 71. He discusses everything with me and has told me not to discuss his finances with my brother. My brother is demanding I give him financial information and is getting nasty. Should I give it to him?

Answer: Legally and ethically you are responsible only to your father! Your brother has no right to the information. As long as your father is mentally competent, he has a legal right to keep his finances private. This puts you in the middle. Tell your brother to talk directly with your father about his concerns. It remains with your father to give him the information or to keep it private.

If you do handle anything for your father keep all records so there can be no question after your father is gone.

Question: My parents (late 80s) are experiencing health problems. My mother was in the hospital (stroke) last month and then in a rehab nursing home. We have to make a decision about her living arrangements. My sister, who lives 100 miles away, hasn’t even visited her and doesn’t call my father or myself. I’m mad!

Answer: You have a right to be upset. However, it won’t change your sister’s not caring about the family.

Unfortunately, I’ve been hearing many similar stories. In one case, the wife was the caregiver. The husband was in the hospital, nursing home and now in an assisted living residence. Their son spent a weekend with his mother helping her deal with the emotional trauma of having to place her husband in a facility. The daughter stopped by for a few minutes on her way to celebrate the holidays with her in-laws.

There really doesn’t seem to be an acceptable rationale or excuse for not caring about aging parents and sibling caregivers -- unless the relationship has been so very bad over the years.

Advice: Although this may sound harsh, write your sister out of your book of concerns.

Concentrate on your parents’ needs -- and your own. Identify various help alternatives and resources. If your father is mentally competent, he should be an integral part of the decision making process. In the end, you may have to make a tough decision alone. .

Question: My sister was always the favorite. But now that my parents (mid 80s) need help, she refuses to do anything. I’m stuck with the total burden.

Answer. It is difficult to deal with a sibling who refuses to help or visit. Think how your parents feel about this situation. Not good, I am sure. At the same time, you can’t change the past. So you have to deal with the present and future.

Unless a child-parent relationship has been very bad or non-existent, children should try as best as they can to make sure aging parents or other relatives are properly taken care of. This means you do what you can comfortably and get help for other chores.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 575 words; other material = 160 words

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