Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday February 20, 2004

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

 

 

FEELINGS ARE KEY TO ALL RELATIONSHIPS

 

Question:  I love my mother, 77, but at times we disagree on something that is important to me and my husband.  Then I feel guilty that I argued with her.  After all, she is my mother.

 

Answer:  A long time ago friend of mine (who was a top official in the Indian government and a stunch socialist) once said to me “We can agree to disagree and still be friends.” 

 

This attitude should prevail in all relationships.  No two people will agree on everything all the time.  So there is no need to feel guilty.

 

As a parent to a young child, as a spouse, or friend, “society” says it’s OK to disagree and still love one another.  Society needs to reach the point that it is OK to disagree with an aging parent and still love him/her.

 

Question:  At my father's funeral my two brothers were completely silent.  They didn’t seem to move a muscle even when the casket was lowered into the ground.  My sister and I sobbed uncontrollably.  Why didn’t my brothers cry?  Today man can cry.

 

Answer:  Men have a tendency to keep a tight rein on their emotions and often don’t show how they feel.  Rest assured they are feeling your father’s death, especially if the relationship was good.

 

I don’t often recommend books, but one that recently crossed my desk might be helpful.  “Nobody’s Child Anymore” by Barbara Bartocci zeros in on various grief feelings.

 

Question:  My father, 82, was a military officer and still wants to rule the roost.  He wants me to do everything “his” way, as that is the only right way (according to him).  He criticizes everything I do.

 

Answer:  He’s not going to change at this age.  Your choices are to:

            • do things his way.  Emotionally simmer or completely lock up your own feelings.

            • acknowledge what he says.

• do things your way and ignore his criticisms as long as the objective of the task is accomplished.

 

You might discuss your feelings and tell him his comments make you unhappy - even though you do want to help him.

 

You should let him do as much as he can for himself. The less you do for him, the better it will be for both of you.

 

 

Question:  My mother, 90, insists that all her clothes be ironed before she’ll wear them.  I hate ironing.  She gets very upset.

 

Answer:  Your choices:

 

            • Hire someone else to iron.

            • Send appropriate clothes to the cleaners.

• Immediately hang up clothes from the washer or dryer.  Minimum ironing will be needed.

 

It’s important for elders to feel good about self.  So if ironed clothes are this important, find a way.  In the whole scheme of your life, it’s a little thing.  Be glad your mother is still here.

  

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

  

 

* * *

 

Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 537 words; other material = 160 words

 

We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.