Globe Syndicate

For release Friday March 12, 2004


The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.


NEW LEADERSHIP ROLE MEANS
CAREFUL ASSESSMENT

Question: Both my parents are in their late 80s. They are beginning to have health problems and to be forgetful. I am having a tough time dealing with all these changes and their growing care needs. I am the only child. Am I a terrible person?

Answer: No, you are perfectly normal. No matter how attuned we are to the aging process and the realization that everyone gets old and needy, we are never emotionally prepared for THAT day. Philosophical knowledge and actual ‘doing’ are entirely different ball games.

I call being a sandwich generationer “a new role on the stage of life for which one can never rehearse.” Can one really “rehearse” for having to take care of a parent who has controlled his/her own life for decades? How can one make those hard decisions?

Before rehearsing for a real play, an actor/actress tries to get inside the head of the character being played. Who is the character? How has he changed over time? What life events have shaped him? What are his values? With answers to these questions, the “role” is then played.

A sandwich generationer needs to take a similar assessment route, adding in the medical needs, physical and mental capabilities, and ethnic and cultural background.

The list of questions IS long.
* What are their medical conditions and medications taken? Hearing and vision capabilities?
* Have there been changes that may have occurred in relation to memory, mental health, and depression?
* What are their eating habits? Are they eating balanced meals on a regular basis? Or just snacking, here and there? Any bouts of illness, maybe as a result of eating spoiled foods?
* What is the physical environment in which they live? Is is light, airy, clean? Or dark and dirty? Changes may be necessary to safety proof it.
* What adaptive devices (walkers, etc.) are used? Does the home layout easily accommodate them?
* What are the financial resources? Financial resources greatly impact the scope of choice that are open to you.
* What are the person’s cultural background and lifestyle values? Accept that they may be different from yours.
* Identify primary, secondary and tertiary support people and organizations.

Two key factors often downplayed in assessing elders’ attitudes and willingness to accept help are cultural/ethnic background and who the person was previously.

What are the cultural and familial perceptions of aging, sickness, end-of-life issues, and afterlife? This impacts acceptance of care from someone else.

Who the person was also impacts help acceptability. A very independent person doesn’t like to ask for or accept help, especially from a child.

Take the leadership and open up communications. As the leader (yes, it is role reversal) you need to fully understand your parent’s emotions, their values, and how they look at their own situation. Understand that all decisions should be made with, not for, the elder as long as mental capacity exists.


Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.



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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 556 words; other material = 160 words

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