Globe Syndicate

For release Friday March 19, 2004


The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.


HUMOR, HUGS, HOPE

Question: I’m taking care of my mother, 72, who is very demanding. She refuses to do many things she really could do. My doctor says, “Say, NO!. And laugh!” This is stupid advice! I want to cry, not laugh.

Answer: Your doctor’s advice is great! While it’s tough to accept this, I’d say the same thing.

If your mother can do things herself, say “No, Mom. You can do it for yourself. You’re not a baby!” She may pout like a kid, but stick to your guns.

Both laughing and crying help vent negative emotions. Laughing helps release tension. Experts now say women live longer than men because they laugh and cry more. They show and accept their emotions.

Question: We were never a family that showed affection physically. Now my mother hugs us all whenever we walk in the door. I’m uncomfortable with this.

Answer: Your mother is showing you that she does love you, even if she doesn’t verbalize her feelings. She also obviously needs emotional reassurance via physical touching that she’s still important to you.

Did you know that there are 3,000 different kinds of hugs, with seven basic ones. How many can you describe?

Don’t be afraid to show your love by hugging her. I used to ruffle my father’s hair -- until he said “I’m not the dog.” Then we’d laugh every time I patted his head.

Question: I’m running from the moment I get up at 6 a.m. until I fall into bed at 11 p.m. Everyone ask me “How are you?” I say, “I’m fine.” But I am not! Two sick parents, a husband, and teenager are just too much.

Answer: Many of you know I love acronyms. At a recent gerontology conference I learned some new ones, one that fits your situation. First, the speaker said, you should grade how you feel using the typical school grading criteria. A is for great. B is for good. C is for so-so. D is for not good, and F is for “fine.”

Fine really means: (1) “F” equals frustrated.
(2) “I” equals irritated
(3) “N” equals neurotic, and
(4) “E” if for exhaustion.

So when someone asks you how you are, think of this meaning of FINE -- and laugh.

If you ask someone how he/she feels and you get the “I’m fine” answer, say “Oh, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help you?” You’ll have to relate what “FINE” means. Undoubtedly you’ll get two chuckles, which are good for your endorphins.

And more word games: A new definition of STRESSED is DESSERTS.

What do you do to change your stressers to desserts? We’d like to hear from you. Send us an e-mail via our web site www.sandwichgeneration.com.

Website to get your daily laughs (24 a day is the recommended number) is www.funnytimes.com.


Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.



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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 539 words; other material = 160 words

We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.